Meh… Laziness!

aglazyI’ve binged for about four weeks now on this blog, Monday – Friday, one time on a Sunday. This is the point in which laziness tends to creep in and I think to myself, “Ah… I’ve blabbed enough for now. I’ll disappear for several weeks!”. Although, I don’t want to disappear this time. I quite fancy this blog more than any others I’ve done on WordPress.

Maybe it’s because I have more of ME within this blog and feel like I’m having conversations, other than re-blogging cool stuff I came across on the interwebs. Or maybe I’m lonely or vain? Or maybe it’s because I’m in a place within my life right now where I don’t feel so overly burden by my past issues, unlike how I’ve felt while writing my other blogs. I don’t know. o_O

It may be premature to make this prediction, but I doubt I’ll fade away from this blog for good this time. My most committed blog was “The Rainpuddle”, I did that one for years and non-stop daily! I even had a Facebook page for it at one time and it was pretty popular in its heyday. The funny thing is that the blog was just a bunch of political and social blah-de-blah, more so than anything else. Now, I rarely suffer politics for more than a second!

I never seemed to bounce back with another blog as popular, after that one, which is fine and I have no regrets. However, I kind of want to hang onto this quest blog for as long as possible. It’s my gritty journal about my fumblings through this wacky thing called life.  It’s fun, freeing, and incredibly terrifying as I always feel naked in my writing of this blog. Naked! Ah! Stop staring at me!!! O_O

However, my usual laziness has swooped in and I’m not so inspired right now to write new topics. In other words, I’ve run out of things to share at this moment, in favor of finishing yet another novel and playing more The Sims 3. So… don’t be alarmed if my following posts are Youtube music videos. I’ll write more wordy articles as they come to me, I promise!

Neon_Genesis_Evangelion_Rei_Ayanami_Asuka_Langley_Soryu_Shikinami_Shinji_Ikari_under_tree_sleeping_readingAlso, don’t be alarmed if comments aren’t posted right away. This blog is moderated for one reason: To keep the trolls at bay. I have to manually “approve” all comments, which I may not do instantly, if I’m busy writing my novel, sleeping, or instructing my sims to run away from zombies. The last part is NOT a joke, people. There are sim-zombies in the expansion pack “Supernatural”. O_O

Don’t worry, even if you have a disagreeable opinion, I will not shy away from “approve”-ing it. Just know that I tend to respond to every comment (it’s called having manners!) and I may annoy you with my opposing response. I only block/delete troll comments, which obvious troll is obvious. :-P

Please be patient with me. I always need to deflate and retreat into laziness every now and then. It’s just my “creative process”. AND I always seem to gain great inspiration from my lazy moments, only to return with a lot more to express. *running off to build another venue for my sims* I swear, it’s all for creativity sake! Heh! ;^_^>

Thanks for reading! I’ll be back!

-D

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Crazy For Yellow Hair!

b93427717I don’t know why or how my obsession for blondes begin. I want to say it began with David Bowie, as the Goblin King in the movie “The Labyrinth”, but it may have started way before. Don’t get me wrong, I find dark haired and redheads attractive too! My long time crush is Keanu Reeves, after all… ahem. ;^_^>

However, yellow locks tend to make me go crazy and then pass out. I even decided to dye my own hair blonde, two spring seasons ago, although a strawberry blonde color (I’m a poseur!) . I love being a blonde, however someday I may go back to my original red coloring.

Just for fun, I want to list all of my favorite blonde characters in anime and video games. (Yes… I’m running out of things to write about. Meh! Going to take a break soon…). Most are from the anime “Fullmetal Alchemist”. If I don’t mention a character, it’s either I forgot them or I’m not really a fan. Sorry, blondies. =p

 

Alphonse_and_EdwardAlphonse And Edward Elric
Anime: Fullmetal Alchemist

Two brothers are on a journey to repair the mistakes of their alchemy sin. Although Alphonse is a transmuted soul placed within a body of armor for most of the anime (as he lost his  real body), he was born with the beautiful golden locks, just like his brother. Both brothers get their golden hair from their estranged father, Van Hohenheim.

havocJean Havoc
Anime: Fullmetal Alchemist

The chain-smoking military man, who seems to have the worse luck in his love life! He’s a great ally to everyone, including the Elric brothers. Ah… cute. I’ll be your girlfriend, Jean!!!  *o*/

riza_hawkeye_by_dante66613-d2yszjeRiza Hawkeye
Anime: Fullmetal Alchemist

She’s a tough woman with a soft and caring soul. She’s keeps her love for Colonel Roy Mustang to herself, vowing to follow him to the ends of the earth and to protect him from any harm. She’s very loyal and dedicated to helping him achieve his dreams of becoming leader of the military.

Ice-Queen-olivier-mira-armstrong-18102837-332-355Olivier Mira Armstrong
Anime: Fullmetal Alchemist (Brotherhood)

Dubbed as “The Ice Queen”. I didn’t like her at first, as she’s a lot cold as her nickname, and most cruel sometimes. However, she always seem to do the right thing in the end. And I can’t deny that her interactions with Roy Mustang is very hilarious! ^_^

winryWinry Rockbell
Anime: Fullmetal Alchemist

Childhood friend and auto-mail mechanic to the Elric brothers. She’s a bit rough with them sometimes, but she loves them both and have become the boys’ true family, after the loss of their mother.

Solomon_GoldsmithSolomon Goldsmith
Anime: Blood+

He’s a Chevalier, trapped between twin Chiropteran queens. He is to serve one sister, but has fallen madly in love with the other. I feel pity for him, as he would have chosen the right side of the warring sisters, however he is bonded by blood and without much choice in serving the evil sister. He’s a highly gorgeous character!

vashVash: The Stampede
Anime: Trigun

He’s a foolish womanizer, with a sixty billion double dollar bounty on his head for the destruction of an entire city. However, his goofiness and mischief is just a cover-up of the true tragedies he’s suffered and the crimes of his twin brother who is hell-bent in destroying all humans on the planet. Vash travels around to save people and to stop his brother’s wrath.

misAMisa Amane
Anime: Death Note

She’s  too clueless to realize that the guy she’s in love with is a psychopath, who doesn’t really love her, and he’s just using her as a pawn in his criminal games. Oof! However, I can’t ignore her charms and innocence (and yes… her sexy outfits too…). She’s very loyal to Light (Kira), right until the very end. Poor girl. u_u

HatsuharuHatsuharu Sohma
Anime/Manga: Fruits Basket

The two-toned haired Sohma, cursed under the zodiac of The Cow. His hair is black and white (technically platinum blonde, I insist!), with a personally to match. Hatsuharu have a very caring, wise, and thoughtful side to him. And a very loud, egotistical, violent, and perverted side. The others have dubbed his dark mood swing as “Black Haru”, whenever it appears. In spite of his faults, this guy is still yummy!  ^o^/

01-sohma-momiji-jpgMomiji Sohma
Anime/Manga: Fruits Basket

He’s a very annoying kid, with  sickly sweet made-up songs to drive everyone around him crazy. However, he brings a slapstick kind of humor to the story. And his own personal story of  rejection by his own mother, because of his Rabbit zodiac curse, will have you in tears!

cloudCloud Strife
Video Game: Final Fantasy VII
Animated Movie: Final Fantasy Advent Children

In the game, he’s a silent protagonist, a mercenary with a troubling past. When the world is threaten by the wrath of a powerful enemy name Sephiroth (a platinum blonde), Cloud and his friends fight to defeat him and save the world from destruction.

tidusTidus
Video Game: Final Fantasy X

Tidus is champion of a underwater game called “Blitzball” in his homeland of Zanarkand. While in the middle of his tournament, his homeland is attacked by a huge monster named Sin and he is then whisked away to another land, where he is told that Zanarkand was destroyed hundreds of years ago. It’s a journey for Tidus to find out the truth of himself and his homeland, as he teams up with new friends. He’s a lot goofy and slow sometimes, but he has a good caring heart and fights for Yuna, a young female summoner that he has fallen in love with.

Zidane-Final-Fantasy-IXZidane Tribal
Video Game: Final Fantasy IX

Zidane was an abandoned orphan, most noticed for his weird tail. He was taken in by a band of thieves. Throughout the game, he learns of his origins and for what dark purpose he was really created for. With the help of his friends, he comes to terms with his past and help save the world from the wrath of another psychotic boss. Classic theme in all Final Fantasy games! ;^_^>

Well, this is the end of my list for now. I’m sure there are others I’ve missed or forgotten, but I had fun writing this list. Ah… memories!

Thanks for reading!

-D

Ghost In The Machine

Lain-Iwakura-serial-experiments-lain-37174563-500-500I very much see myself like the character Lain, from the anime “Serial Experiments Lain”. I’ve been living in the digital world since a young age , although I don’t own the monstrous computing system like hers, I’ve own a few desktops and now currently a Dell laptop, but our worlds are kind of similar. o_O

We’re both socially awkward people and our only friends are online. I’ve tried most of my life to live in the “outside world”, but really couldn’t hack it. So, I retreated into the digital world. I’ve experienced love, romantic relationships, friendships. and kindness more so than I’ve ever experienced offline. I also experienced heartbreak, pain, disappointment, and “WTF!” moments too, however less so than I experience those things offline. I seem to make connections with people more easily online than off.

This disturbs my therapist a bit, as she often cheers “You’re too good of a person to be locked away!” and she wishes for me to join some offline social group with other people suffering with mental illness, some with more serious issues than I have like schizophrenia. Somehow, I don’t find the idea too appealing and I much rather log online to be around the crazies that I do know already. And no offense meant towards those suffering with mental illness! I’m a “nutter” too, I have “father issues”, PTSD, anxiety disorder, and on-and-off issues with mild depression. I’m the Mad Hatter in this story, not Alice. =p

Besides blogging, I spend my time online visiting my favorite Youtube channels, replying to friends, playing on Facebook, learning science, and a lot of other things. I don’t wish to rehash my other post again “My Daily Life”, but I want to mention just how much of my life is spent online, which is ten hours out of the fifteen hours I’m awake. The interwebs is my whole world, for better or worse.

Last year, my laptop went kaput and the result was that I slept a lot, was often bored and felt socially disconnected. I fell into a bit of a depression too. I did stay sane with my crappy Kindle games, but being disconnected from my friends and social interactions for that long period of time was really bumming me out.

lainOf course, I could (and did!) reach them by using my Kindle, but it was a lot limiting and very short communications. Touch-screen keyboards suck! Auto-correct is the anti-Christ! Well, at least my pals were able to laugh with: “I’ll be back online salon!” “Ack! I meant ‘soon’! Damn auto-correct!!!!” I was without a laptop for an entire month! O_O

I get that it’s more “normal” to have connections in person, to actually get out of the house, and enjoy the sun (Hiss! It burns!), but I’ve never been a normal sort of girl. I was born to be weird, eccentric, different. And maybe I am a little too reliant on the fact that if someone hurts me, or becomes violently threatening towards me, I can just block them or delete from from my friends-list. I don’t have any such control offline, it’s not that easy to escape sociopaths offline. I’m speaking from a lot of experience on that, unfortunately.

The awesome friends who have offered to pay for my eye surgery, out of the blue and unexpected, are two women whom I never met in person. I’ve known them for six years online, we’ve exchanged several messages back and forth, shared our woes, our struggles, our happiness, and our triumphs. My therapist finds it extraordinary that I do have such friendships online with people “that seem to care about you deeply”.

I could only smile and say, “Yes… I do have awesome friends.” I never had anyone care for me offline, besides my relatives, mostly my sister, older brother, and mother. So, to have non-relative people care about me (and to share my love towards them in return!) is very precious and irreplaceable. I haven’t yet found such a thing offline. Keep in mind, I haven’t always been a “ghost in the machine”, most of my life was spent offline. I didn’t really began to take full residence on the interweb (thus becoming a hikikomori) until age twenty-six.

Some people may see this as a sad thing, but I honestly view it as just different lifestyle path. We all have our own lifestyles to live and this just happens to be mine, is all.  I’m happy with it, for the most part.

tsukubai-portland1Although, there are a few things I wish to do someday in the “outside world”: skydive, try rock climbing, see a sunset at a beach, and learn how to shoot a firearm at a shooting range… in order to be prepared for the zombie apocalypse. ^w^

I’m sure that I’ll get to do those things someday! After that, I very much would like to retire for good within my quiet and often interesting way of indoor living.

I picture myself owning an indoor pond someday, surrounded by vibrant green plants, and one of those Japanese bamboo water features (Shishi-odoshi) that clanks when the water levels it up and down against the rocks.
Ah… serenity! ^_____^

Thanks for reading!

-D

Take Your Time… Don’t Dawdle!

Couple-anime-couples-6692440-500-375This is something that has been coming up with my friends for the past four months: LOVE! Ooh-la-la! This will be one fun article to write, however with its usual preachy message of what I personally learned about the subject so far. So, if you’re not looking for a “lesson”, feel free to skip this one.  ^_^v

I honestly believe that love/romance is the most ridiculous and brain-dead emotion that ever existed! However… it’s the most wonderful, beautiful, poetic, and spiritually uplifting specimen in the human experience. Everyone should experience true love (and heartbreak) at least once in their lifetime. It’s more foolish to go through life without such an experience.  Although… wow, do I ever turn simple-minded, whenever Cupid hits me with its arrow!  You damn brat! @_@

The thing is, I’ve noticed too many of my friends rushing into love head first, head over heels, and then later finding themselves in a right mess. They’ve made the mistake of moving in with a person after dating them for a few weeks or one month, marrying a spouse after dating them for three months, or deciding to have children with someone they’ve dated for a short while. It’s all been one disaster after another, if you can imagine.

They’ve  all turn to me in tears, at one time or another, with that huge sad question of “WHY???” I feel so helpless, as I can only offer that perhaps they shouldn’t have moved so fast into the relationship, before allowing themselves to get to know the person and vice versa.

I also assure them, “It’s okay. There’s over 7 billion people on Earth and one is bound to be the right one for you. Don’t give up! Those odd are WAY in your favor!” ^_^

whendowewantitmemeUnfortunately, there is a mixed message in society about love. We’re encourage to “carpe diem”, to seize the day, and ask that person we fancy out on a date NOW! Don’t dawdle! This is good advice, in a way, because the person you fancy may be asked out by someone else, before you’ve had the time to muster up the nerve.

Sure, one could get rejected and told “no” flat out, but I believe it’s less crushing to be told no right away than to always wonder if it would have been a “yes”. In my past, I would boldly ask if someone was interested in dating me and I got rejected more times than not. I don’t regret it, because I think it would drive me MORE crazy if I never tried to get an answer in the first place. I would have a list of people who I never asked and could maul over the “what ifs” during my lonely nights.

The way I seem to approach love is to NOT rush into anything, even if I gain a “yes”. I grew up in the 80s, where I often observed people taking their time in relationships and getting to know each other. Just listen to some of the love songs of that era and you’ll see there’s not too many songs about, “Hi, I just met you, and this is crazy… but here’s my number… let’s have a baby!” (Not the actual lyrics, but see what I did there? Huh? Huh? ^____^)

I’ve notice the  generation of NOW began in the 90’s, my teenage years. And it’s steadily growing more, as we’re becoming a society that believes that faster equals “better”. We all want the latest and fastest technology and internet speeds, the fastest response to our wants, and the fastest solutions to our issues. And when do we want it? NOW! NOW! NOW!

acoupleHowever… love is an art, it’s a slow graceful creation, of spirit and soul. It doesn’t respond well to being rushed, as the Sistine Chapel wasn’t painted within a day. It takes time and there are no effective shortcuts to gain true love or to keep it. It’s a very beautiful and natural thing that can’t be manufactured and mass-produced, it’s handcrafted and quality made between two souls.

The difference between true love and fast love is the difference between a great meal prepared carefully and lovingly over a stove, and a meal under heat-lamps from a fast food drive-thru. You can’t expect to order red velvet cupcakes with cream-cheese icing, with small cookie hearts sprinkled on top, at McDonalds. It’s just not going to happen. You’ll have to settle for a shriveled apple pie or half stale cookies.

I believe that true love isn’t created in the NOW, it’s created with time, prolonged experience with that person, and a lot of hard work on each side. It’s not always a sunny day in  romantic relationships, people are very complicated beings, with their own flaws, views, interests, and passions. There will be rain and thunderstorms. However, two souls in love can weather each storm as they come along. Just be aware that there’s no sunshine without the rain and likewise.

tAG_33993It’s a thin line between “going for it” and “take your time”. You don’t want to rush in, guns ablaze, but you don’t want to wait around too long either. I still haven’t figured out where that line is located yet, besides the not rushing in part. If someone handed me the recipe for “chocolate mousse with raspberries” and all of the ingredients, it would still take practice for me to create a fine mousse. And this art of love takes practice to get right as well.

I often think about the reasons why people want a romantic relationship and why there’s such an urgency to have it right away. I believe that some worry that they must rush into it or they’ll lose the interest of that person. For me, a person who would require that I must rush into a romantic relationship with them or risk losing their interest in me, is not likely the one for me at all. I’m very old fashioned and sappy, as I have the attitude of this old 80’s song: Right Here Waiting For You.

If I’m not worth the wait, or a person isn’t worth waiting for, they’re not the right one for me. If I’m pressured to rush, it feels very much like poor quality and it reminds me of the quirky man, who owned a fish-truck and would sell cheap seafood to the residents of my old neighborhood. He would often call out to his customers, “Eat it quick! Eat it quick! Don’t let it sit for too long!”, as it would spoil within one day in refrigeration. It’s amazing how none of us became deathly ill from our purchases! O_O

I wish to fall in love someday, but not in a “do it quick!” kind of way. I want to take my time, but not dawdle, to let love blossom at its own natural pace. I want to create something beautiful with the right person, and to enjoy every moment of it as it happens. That’s just my personal thoughts about love and relationships. ^_^

Thanks for reading!

-D

Beware Of Envy!

Light-Yagami-kira-god-of-the-new-world-30313859-704-396We’ve all have felt the emotion of envy  before.  It’s one the most unless of human emotion I believe, yet we all fall prey to it from time to time, some more than others. I try my best not to feel envy, as I’ve learned all too well that the grass is not always greener on someone else’s lawn.

Through my many experiences in life (in spite being a hermit, I do and had met many people in my lifetime), I have learned that EVERYONE has problems and their life isn’t always rainbows and sunshine. The easy example would be the rich and famous celebrities who fall into deep depression or slip into career shattering drug addictions.

I was twelve years old, the first time I heard about a celebrity falling into an addiction and ruining their career. My ignorant reaction to it was, “Why? They’re so pretty, they’re rich, they have a fun career, and the world loves them! Why would they want to take drugs and screw all of that up?!” O_o

confusedanimeIt completely boggled my mind that celebrities are human too and just like that old REM song, “everybody hurts sometimes”. My adolescent mind couldn’t understand that having all of the fame,  good looks, talent, and money in the world doesn’t add up to perfect happiness whatsoever. So I judged that celebrity as “stupid” and unworthy of the things they’ve earned, as I was completely envious. I believed that I deserved those things of that celebrity more so, because I wouldn’t screw it up if I had possession of such gifts. Ah… youth. ;^_^>

It wasn’t until I reached age sixteen and spoke with other people, observed and listen to (sometimes eavesdropped… *cough*) the plights of those around me who I had perceived as “better off”, that I had realized that everyone in the world is seeking happiness and that there is no one magical thing one must do to achieve  it..

In other words, I realized that what I often envied for myself was not the magical “pill” to fix the sadness within my life. Even though I had realized at age sixteen that money wouldn’t cure everything, I still struggled with envying things I’ve seen others with.

I’d made the mistake, as many do, in believing that if I had that “one special person” in my life, I could break free of my loneliness and depression, that everything in my life would connect and I’d never be sad again. So I pursued a series of abusive relationships, settling for anyone who would have me, in order to make my life happy and to have that “love story” that I perceived everyone else around me had.

By the time I was age twenty-four, I realized that even in the best of relationships, couples have their ups and downs. The happiest couples in the world have their bad days, arguments, and disagreements. A good and safe relationship is nice, especially for the companionship, but it’s not the answer to cure ills or inner demons. Even the best couples have their issues and problems, either together or separately, life doesn’t become “fixed” without stuggles just because one chooses a relationship.

I let go of my excessive dating, allowing myself to be single, and to not rush into any more fast relationships. I began gaining “standards” and I refuse to settle for less than what I feel that I deserve.

lisara_jealous__dakara_boku_wa_h_ga_dekinai_by_bremm_ruarte-d5c12jjAt age twenty six, my next mistake was to become envious of people who had LOTS of friends, so I pursued trying to make as many friends as I could, changing myself to “fit in” or tried to. The more clever of the bunch quickly realized that I was a farce, that I was pretending to be someone whom I wasn’t, in order to appear favorable in their eyes. They silently distanced themselves from me right away.

The ones who didn’t catch on to my farce only loved the persona that I pretended to be and not really ME, which hurt worse than being alone. The handful who knew that I was trying too hard to be liked and accepted took advantage and used my willingness to please them to an abusive extreme.

Finally, at age twenty-seven, I decided to just be myself and I started all over with honest friendships and connections. I also learned that it was never the quantity of friends that mattered, but the quality. I prefer to have a few GOOD friends these days and not a crowd.

I had made many other mistakes in envying what others had: their successes, their social circles, their opportunities, their beauty, their charismatic personalities, their level of intelligence, etc. Somehow I believed that everyone’s lawn was greener, that everyone had more than I did, and I began to take for granted what I did have.

Then I began to lose family members and parts of my eyesight. I was age twenty-nine when I finally stopped looking at what everyone else had and began to really appreciate what I’ve got. I stopped flooding my thoughts with envy and I realized that even if I had everything that the people around me had, I would still be unhappy.

That’s because, happiness doesn’t come from things or outside of ourselves. True happiness comes from within. It may sound a lot cliche, but I find it to be the truth for me.

_____drowning_ciel______by_linkxroy-d4gp40mI had SO many inner demons and troubles that I was hording within, that even if I did meet the most wonderful romantic partner, gained a huge wonderful career, or was surrounded by many friends, I wouldn’t be able to enjoy them nor keep them. My inner demons would have dragged it all down with me, into the deeper depths of darkness and despair… not unlike a panicked drowning person who pulls a great swimmer with them under the waves.

I realized that I needed to unshackle many of the “weights” pulling me down inside, before I could ever reach out to be with another person. I had to find the happiness within me first! So, I took a long pause and worked on myself and my issues. They’re not all solved, but many of those weights are gone, and while I was exorcising my inner demons I didn’t have time for envy.

I learned to appreciate what I DO have and the people in my life now, as I realized that life is SO very short. I make sure to let my loved ones know how much I do love and appreciate them, while they’re still alive and not wait to say so at a funeral.

I’m sure that envy may raise its ugly head someday, but I’m hopeful that I’ll not entertain it and I will take up my sword to behead it. Envy is useless and it has no place in my journey towards happiness. ^_^

Thanks for reading!

-D

My Point Of View

kc_blurred_visionThe photo to the left is how I see the world with Keratoconus, even with my high prescription glasses. Well, this how I see with my right eye (the good one), my left eye is even worse. This makes my life a lot difficult at times. u_u

I can’t read a real book anymore, which was something that I loved to do once upon a time. I have a Kindle for reading, as I can adjust the font to “grandma” size, however it’s not the same as turning the actual pages and smelling the fresh ink of a hard copy book. I get bored with my Kindle, with half of the fun experience of reading stripped away, and haven’t finished a book in a few years now.

Writing emails, blogs, and novels take effort for me to do. I can’t spend as many hours doing so, as my eyes will began to water excessively, migraines are a constant battle I must fight, and my vision dims to the point where everything is a blur on the screen, without any distinguishing features to the letters.

I’ve called this exertion to my eyes, “sundowning” in my past, a term for those who suffer with dementia, because of the similar symptoms I feel during the moment when my eyes fail me completely: increased confusion,  agitation, and restlessness. I know it’s an exaggeration to call those moments by that term, as after a night of rest my eyes return to its low vision of before, and I can attempt writing again. No offense to the real sufferers of dementia. Hugs!

fallingdownstairsWalking down or up an unfamiliar set of stairs is difficult for me, as I don’t have them memorized and can’t see the new pattern of stairs well. I have to try hard not to… well… tumble down them and break my neck or stumble up them and break my face. Finding my seat in a dark theater is a horrifying experience, especially if there are stairs involved.

Movies or TV shows with subtitles are not enjoyable for me, as I can’t see the English translations or keep up with the speed of it while trying to decipher it. I’m dying to watch an anime named “Attack On Titan”, however the Netflix version is in subtitles. I may try to find the English dubbed on a pirated site… Erm… I mean, NOTHING! O_O

I have to be careful when I handle anything sharp or when I cook meals, as I could injure myself without meaning to. I bump into walls sometimes, run into doors, and lose my balance while walking, because I’m unsure of my footing and have poor depth perception. I have to be extra careful when crossing the road, as I can’t always see the traffic coming in either direction.

With this condition I can never be issued a drivers licence, be allowed to own a firearm, or be allowed to join the military, as I can’t pass the eye test, even while wearing my glasses. And these are things I would be interested in. Well… maybe not owning a firearm, but to learn how to use one, yes.

And lastly, I have to sit way too close to screens in order to see and write. My nose is literately a few inches away from my laptop screen right now, in order to write this blog.

637_blurred_visionMy condition will not get better on its own, it will only become a lot worse. It won’t happen overnight, as this a progressive disease, but one day my eyesight will change from the first image above to the one on the left. That’s a street view, by the way (you can click to enlarge). Can you make out anything in that photo? Welcome to the POV of my left eye.

So… why is it that a surgery (CXL), is covered in other countries because of its 95% success rate of stopping Keratoconus in its tracks, yet it isn’t approved in the US by the FDA? Why was it denied approval last year? Why isn’t it covered by insurance, costing a patient $4,000 or more out of pocket in clinical trails? What about the people who can’t afford it? What about the people who aren’t lucky to have friends (like I do), who can offer to pay for it?

Without CXL, the eyes will lose sight and the only option left is Corneal Transplant, which can be covered by some insurance even though the procedure cost way more. However, one must go blind first to be eligible for it… and wait for a donor… and then hope like hell that the body won’t reject the transplant, a risk that comes with with any other transplant.

Are we being neglected, because Keratoconus is a rare eye disease (Between 1 to 5 in every 10,000 people are affected) and therefore there’s no real profit in approving it? Is this a money thing? Probably.

I200268231-001t just seems a lot wrong to me, that I have to explain to my international friends why my insurance will not cover something that is easily covered in their countries. Or that in Mexico, CXL costs $800 (or so I was told) and that if a person is desperate enough, they would have to leave their country in order to get a procedure to save their vision.

Come on, USA, the land that boasts “We’re number one! We’re number one!” all the time… you’re really lagging behind in healthcare and everything else, compared to the rest of the world. We’re number LAST! This why the other countries laugh at us and point. And they’re well justified to do so, because we’re a huge joke! u_u

Thanks for reading. I just wanted to vent a little. For everyone in the US who suffers with Keratoconus: Please hang in there and keep hope alive! ^_^v

-D