I very much see myself like the character Lain, from the anime “Serial Experiments Lain”. I’ve been living in the digital world since a young age , although I don’t own the monstrous computing system like hers, I’ve own a few desktops and now currently a Dell laptop, but our worlds are kind of similar. o_O
We’re both socially awkward people and our only friends are online. I’ve tried most of my life to live in the “outside world”, but really couldn’t hack it. So, I retreated into the digital world. I’ve experienced love, romantic relationships, friendships. and kindness more so than I’ve ever experienced offline. I also experienced heartbreak, pain, disappointment, and “WTF!” moments too, however less so than I experience those things offline. I seem to make connections with people more easily online than off.
This disturbs my therapist a bit, as she often cheers “You’re too good of a person to be locked away!” and she wishes for me to join some offline social group with other people suffering with mental illness, some with more serious issues than I have like schizophrenia. Somehow, I don’t find the idea too appealing and I much rather log online to be around the crazies that I do know already. And no offense meant towards those suffering with mental illness! I’m a “nutter” too, I have “father issues”, PTSD, anxiety disorder, and on-and-off issues with mild depression. I’m the Mad Hatter in this story, not Alice. =p
Besides blogging, I spend my time online visiting my favorite Youtube channels, replying to friends, playing on Facebook, learning science, and a lot of other things. I don’t wish to rehash my other post again “My Daily Life”, but I want to mention just how much of my life is spent online, which is ten hours out of the fifteen hours I’m awake. The interwebs is my whole world, for better or worse.
Last year, my laptop went kaput and the result was that I slept a lot, was often bored and felt socially disconnected. I fell into a bit of a depression too. I did stay sane with my crappy Kindle games, but being disconnected from my friends and social interactions for that long period of time was really bumming me out.
Of course, I could (and did!) reach them by using my Kindle, but it was a lot limiting and very short communications. Touch-screen keyboards suck! Auto-correct is the anti-Christ! Well, at least my pals were able to laugh with: “I’ll be back online salon!” “Ack! I meant ‘soon’! Damn auto-correct!!!!” I was without a laptop for an entire month! O_O
I get that it’s more “normal” to have connections in person, to actually get out of the house, and enjoy the sun (Hiss! It burns!), but I’ve never been a normal sort of girl. I was born to be weird, eccentric, different. And maybe I am a little too reliant on the fact that if someone hurts me, or becomes violently threatening towards me, I can just block them or delete from from my friends-list. I don’t have any such control offline, it’s not that easy to escape sociopaths offline. I’m speaking from a lot of experience on that, unfortunately.
The awesome friends who have offered to pay for my eye surgery, out of the blue and unexpected, are two women whom I never met in person. I’ve known them for six years online, we’ve exchanged several messages back and forth, shared our woes, our struggles, our happiness, and our triumphs. My therapist finds it extraordinary that I do have such friendships online with people “that seem to care about you deeply”.
I could only smile and say, “Yes… I do have awesome friends.” I never had anyone care for me offline, besides my relatives, mostly my sister, older brother, and mother. So, to have non-relative people care about me (and to share my love towards them in return!) is very precious and irreplaceable. I haven’t yet found such a thing offline. Keep in mind, I haven’t always been a “ghost in the machine”, most of my life was spent offline. I didn’t really began to take full residence on the interweb (thus becoming a hikikomori) until age twenty-six.
Some people may see this as a sad thing, but I honestly view it as just different lifestyle path. We all have our own lifestyles to live and this just happens to be mine, is all. I’m happy with it, for the most part.
Although, there are a few things I wish to do someday in the “outside world”: skydive, try rock climbing, see a sunset at a beach, and learn how to shoot a firearm at a shooting range… in order to be prepared for the zombie apocalypse. ^w^
I’m sure that I’ll get to do those things someday! After that, I very much would like to retire for good within my quiet and often interesting way of indoor living.
I picture myself owning an indoor pond someday, surrounded by vibrant green plants, and one of those Japanese bamboo water features (Shishi-odoshi) that clanks when the water levels it up and down against the rocks.
Ah… serenity! ^_____^
Thanks for reading!