Ghost In The Machine

Lain-Iwakura-serial-experiments-lain-37174563-500-500I very much see myself like the character Lain, from the anime “Serial Experiments Lain”. I’ve been living in the digital world since a young age , although I don’t own the monstrous computing system like hers, I’ve own a few desktops and now currently a Dell laptop, but our worlds are kind of similar. o_O

We’re both socially awkward people and our only friends are online. I’ve tried most of my life to live in the “outside world”, but really couldn’t hack it. So, I retreated into the digital world. I’ve experienced love, romantic relationships, friendships. and kindness more so than I’ve ever experienced offline. I also experienced heartbreak, pain, disappointment, and “WTF!” moments too, however less so than I experience those things offline. I seem to make connections with people more easily online than off.

This disturbs my therapist a bit, as she often cheers “You’re too good of a person to be locked away!” and she wishes for me to join some offline social group with other people suffering with mental illness, some with more serious issues than I have like schizophrenia. Somehow, I don’t find the idea too appealing and I much rather log online to be around the crazies that I do know already. And no offense meant towards those suffering with mental illness! I’m a “nutter” too, I have “father issues”, PTSD, anxiety disorder, and on-and-off issues with mild depression. I’m the Mad Hatter in this story, not Alice. =p

Besides blogging, I spend my time online visiting my favorite Youtube channels, replying to friends, playing on Facebook, learning science, and a lot of other things. I don’t wish to rehash my other post again “My Daily Life”, but I want to mention just how much of my life is spent online, which is ten hours out of the fifteen hours I’m awake. The interwebs is my whole world, for better or worse.

Last year, my laptop went kaput and the result was that I slept a lot, was often bored and felt socially disconnected. I fell into a bit of a depression too. I did stay sane with my crappy Kindle games, but being disconnected from my friends and social interactions for that long period of time was really bumming me out.

lainOf course, I could (and did!) reach them by using my Kindle, but it was a lot limiting and very short communications. Touch-screen keyboards suck! Auto-correct is the anti-Christ! Well, at least my pals were able to laugh with: “I’ll be back online salon!” “Ack! I meant ‘soon’! Damn auto-correct!!!!” I was without a laptop for an entire month! O_O

I get that it’s more “normal” to have connections in person, to actually get out of the house, and enjoy the sun (Hiss! It burns!), but I’ve never been a normal sort of girl. I was born to be weird, eccentric, different. And maybe I am a little too reliant on the fact that if someone hurts me, or becomes violently threatening towards me, I can just block them or delete from from my friends-list. I don’t have any such control offline, it’s not that easy to escape sociopaths offline. I’m speaking from a lot of experience on that, unfortunately.

The awesome friends who have offered to pay for my eye surgery, out of the blue and unexpected, are two women whom I never met in person. I’ve known them for six years online, we’ve exchanged several messages back and forth, shared our woes, our struggles, our happiness, and our triumphs. My therapist finds it extraordinary that I do have such friendships online with people “that seem to care about you deeply”.

I could only smile and say, “Yes… I do have awesome friends.” I never had anyone care for me offline, besides my relatives, mostly my sister, older brother, and mother. So, to have non-relative people care about me (and to share my love towards them in return!) is very precious and irreplaceable. I haven’t yet found such a thing offline. Keep in mind, I haven’t always been a “ghost in the machine”, most of my life was spent offline. I didn’t really began to take full residence on the interweb (thus becoming a hikikomori) until age twenty-six.

Some people may see this as a sad thing, but I honestly view it as just different lifestyle path. We all have our own lifestyles to live and this just happens to be mine, is all.  I’m happy with it, for the most part.

tsukubai-portland1Although, there are a few things I wish to do someday in the “outside world”: skydive, try rock climbing, see a sunset at a beach, and learn how to shoot a firearm at a shooting range… in order to be prepared for the zombie apocalypse. ^w^

I’m sure that I’ll get to do those things someday! After that, I very much would like to retire for good within my quiet and often interesting way of indoor living.

I picture myself owning an indoor pond someday, surrounded by vibrant green plants, and one of those Japanese bamboo water features (Shishi-odoshi) that clanks when the water levels it up and down against the rocks.
Ah… serenity! ^_____^

Thanks for reading!



28 thoughts on “Ghost In The Machine”

      1. I would like to ask you for suggestions of good psychological anime, like monster or death note. If it’s not too much trouble of course!

      2. No, it’s no trouble at all! I love chatting about anime. ^o^
        Well, as far as psychological that I know of there is “Paranoia Agent”, “Ghost In The Shell: Stand Alone Complex”, “Sword Art Online”, and “Mushishi”. A great anime about hikikomori is “Welcome to the NHK”, but there is some sexual content to that one. I heard about the anime “Kill La Kill”, but I haven’t found an English dub for it yet (and my eyes are too bad for subs). The same with an anime that’s pretty psychological called “Attack On Titans”. If you don’t mind subtitles, I would recommend those the most. And the one named “Blood+” is kind of trippy at times. I hope this helps. ^_^

      3. LOL! Yeah… now you can tell that I spend too much time watching anime. =p
        I also wanted to mention “Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood”, mainly because one character nearly fell into a sociopathic moment in getting revenge. However, that was short lived and I’m not sure if that anime can be classified as psychological. It’s not on the level as Death Note… but then again, so few anime I’ve watched are. Paranoia Agent reminds me a lot of Lain. though.

      4. Oh i have seen Full Metal alchemist, both versions. Death note was the reason i got obsessed with anime.

      5. Coolies! ^_^
        Yeah, I love Death Note… although I always on team L… I just love that guy and his obsession over sweets. Him and I have that in common. Although, the deep thing about it is, I believe L and Light were the same, just two sides of one coin.

      6. That is deep, but true. I always had the impression that at least one of the writers is a psychopath. Light Yagami is TOO perfect depiction.

      7. That he is! It’s possible that one of the writers is a psychopath or maybe one touched his life profoundly. With writers, we can often write about things we’ve experienced from afar so well that people may wonder. I seem to write about murder and death too well, that people have asked if I ever done it or would. The answer is NO, but I have to chuckle to myself that I’m just that good at writing such scenes. ^_^
        And whenever I write a psychopathic character into my novels, I use real life examples of the people who had once left their profound fingerprints into my life. It may not be a full account of a psychopath, because I doubt I’ll fully understand one, but I know how to write in a way that gives off that illusion. Writers are natural manipulators, in this way. lol.

      8. Were you familiar with the way the whole publishing system operates? How did you manage to get your book published? or is it better to aim for self-publishing?

      9. No! I was completely clueless on how the whole publishing system was set up, until I tried getting into it. I thought I only needed to write a manuscript that was good, edit it enough so it would make sense to anyone reading it, and simply send in queries and samples. No… publishing houses are more concern about what is going to sell and make them a good profit, over what is beautifully written or interesting. Back in Poe’s and Kafka’s time, publishing was easier because it was about the quality of a story, not about “what’s the hook that will make us millions?” I could be just ranting and sulking as a writing hack, but what I was told often by the publishing companies that rejected me was “Your book isn’t marketable for us. However, if you have more, please send that!” So pretty much, they liked my writing style, but deemed my subject matter as “this won’t get us rich… pass!” I’ll keep trying though, but I gave up with my first book and self published it. For my others, I haven’t given up yet and pushing them, while keeping in mind that JK Rowling was rejected for her Harry Potter series a ton. Imagine if she had given up. o_O

      10. I imagine the ones who rejected her being fired, because that must have happened after her mass success. And they just say ”it isn’t marketable”? What kind of crap is that? What is considered marketable ?

      11. LOL! I don’t know if they were fired, but I’m sure they’re kicking themselves now, because she became a world phenomenon. And as for being “marketable”, the publishing house that finally gave her a chance is swimming in millions, if not billions. Not only were her books was a success, but the movies and merchandising went off the charts. I helped contribute to that, when I bought ever book, saw ever movie, and bought the video games too. They actually rejected JK Rowling and told her rudely to not quit her day job with writing, if you can imagine that! LOL! Such nonsense! XD

      12. True! LOL! That’s the thing about publishing houses today, they’re more concern about money more so than the art of a story. The greatest example is the book that Paris Hilton wrote in the eyes of her dog. That was published with no problem or hesitation, without her being told “this is not marketable”. And people like me, struggling writers, often get the brush off and resort to self publishing. It’s happened before in history too, as Dr. Seuss had to self publish as first too, because they didn’t find him marketable. It happens in films as well, as “Nightmare on Elm Street” and the cult classic “Night Of The Living Dead” writers was rejected too, until low budget companies took a chance on them. Who wasn’t a Freddie Kruger fan growing up? And zombies are a popular thing now, thanks to Night Of The Living Dead, which started off that genre. I’m not saying that my novels may be that legendary, but I think they do deserve some attention and could make a nice impact in the literary world someday. ^_^

      13. Me either… but I wanted to prove that it really doe exist. lol. Of course, Paris didn’t write it herself, a freelance writer in Florida did, but the Paris signed off on it. And the book did very well too! A publishing company accepted it because they knew it would make them tons of money. And that’s just sad for the literary world, I believe. u_u

      14. I wonder that every day, my friend… I have no idea, so that’s why I hide so much indoors. The world doesn’t make any sense! XD

      15. I think writers need isolation. You are alone but you are not lonely, as Haruki Murakami says in 1Q84

      16. I think there’s a lot of truth in that. I do my best work when my friends are away and I’m alone in a quiet room, just me and my laptop. I think that’s why I listen to music while I write too, in order to block out the noise of the outside world. Granted, I have been living in a quiet suburbs of Minnesota for the past year, not at all the noisy city of Philadelphia, but old habits are hard to quit. I still put on my music and headphones to work. And the rate of my writing has increased a bit. Since I moved here, I’ve written two novels, one short story, and six book raunchy series. And now I’m in the middle of a new young adult supernatural series, which I really love so much and have the most fun writing. I’m also playing around with my style of writing a bit, switching the POVs of characters, and stuff like that. I don’t think I would have ever been so creative or enjoy writing as much, if I was a social butterfly and always out there in the world, to be honest. ^_^

      17. My general advice is: Do what is right for you.
        But you must be really successful if you can live off writing.

      18. LOL! No, I’m not successful in my writing… yet! I’m quite poor to be honest, a starving artist, but I happen to live where I do because some great friends took me in. And they allow me to stay, as long as I pay for groceries, which I do. Meanwhile, I keep writing and trying to get the attention of publishers. Writing is the only thing I can do well, for a skill, and I work hard tomake it an success and a career someday. I would want nothing more than to be a successful writer and spending the rest of my days publishing books for the whole world to enjoy. It’s my last aspiration left in this world. ^_^

      19. Yeah, I think so too. Whatever it is, I’m not going to quit, I’ll keep moving forward. It doesn’t matter if it takes fifty years for me to get there, but I’m going to make it. I’m very tenacious in this way! ^_^

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