Time For A Serious Talk!

alknasfree-2295849I was not prepared to write another blog post so soon, however life is often a funny and unpredictable thing. Sorry in advance for any grammar errors (I’m not taking the time to let this post sit in drafts first and to mull over it). I know that everyone has heard of the sad news, about Robin Williams, and I wanted to write a little about that.

I’ve suffered with severe depression from age sixteen to age twenty-four. I would often cry for hours on end, lasting for days, or I would be unable to sleep for days in a row. I would stay in my room in Philadelphia all day and stare at the white wall constantly, unable to sleep at all. I hardly ate, I rarely had the strength to leave my bed to use the bathroom, and I often would go for months without bathing.

Everything hurt so much inside, just breathing in and out hurt, and I thought my hell would never end. I tried suicide so many times, as I believed within that darkness that it was the only answer to end my pain. I romanticized death, believed it was a beautiful thing, and convinced myself that my friends and family would be better off without me.

I felt like a burden, when people would come into my room and try to get me to eat, l felt like was sucking away their life just by existing. And I couldn’t foresee anything positive, even when my family told me that they loved me, I just couldn’t comprehend it. I imagined that if I had died, my loved ones would cry for a little bit, but ultimately they would get over it within a week and be relieved that I was gone.

This is just a few of the many negative and harmful thoughts that go through a person’s mind when they are suffering with depression. Those thoughts are highly untrue, but to a sufferer the crazy ideas seem VERY real within the grip of such darkness. Depression is an illness of the soul, mind, and spirit. And the real truth is that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

44663511I think Robin Williams’ death shook us all, because he was a guy who was so funny, seemed happy-go-lucky, and did so many nice things for others. No one would have guessed he was in such terrible pain like this, by judging the outside. That’s the sneaky thing about depression, it’s a silent and hidden kind of disease, which is not always noticeable from the outside.

My Facebook blew up with the news of Robin’s death and I instantly began messaging my friends who suffer the most with this illness, because when something like this happens, it kind of shakes our world a bit. A few of my friends were thinking that since so many articles stated, “He’s now at peace”, maybe it was something for them to aspire to. I put on my best nagging-hat and I hope that I’ve been successful in thwarting whatever dark ideas they were thinking of.

The thing is, I was lucky to survive long enough to seek treatment for my illness, before I really went too far and succeeded in my attempts. It wasn’t easy, but I fought like hell to get to the point that I am today. I know that some don’t make it, and it saddens me greatly when I hear of another good person who’ve lost the fight, but I like to keep hope that someday this illness will have a better cure available for it.

I now cope with mild depression and I see a very awesome therapist every two weeks! It’s going very well for me, so there is hope for those who suffer with depression. Most depression can be cured within six to eight months of treatment. Mine was a more serve case, so it took me two years of therapy to get to my mild range. And I’m pretty sure that with more work, I will be free of depression altogether someday.

The sad thing is, there is stigma around this illness, which shames people into not seeking help. There are some people in the world who believe (and vocalize!) that depression doesn’t exist at all. People who have never suffered with the illness like to say very ignorant things like, “Ah, just get over it! Think positive, is all.” or “The reason why you have depression is because you haven’t worked hard enough to get over it.”.

tumblr_m35foypnct1ruute9o1_1280This can be very hurtful to those suffering with depression, because if it was that easy to do, no one would ever be depressed. No one wants to be depressed and it’s horrible to suggest that someone would actually choose to be. And saying something like that to a person with depression just makes them feel like they’re more of a failure, because they can’t shrug it off and feel better instantly. It just makes their situation worse!

The best videos to explain more about depression are: I had a black dog, his name was depression and The Truth About Depression. If you or a loved one is suffering with this horrible illness, these videos may help to better understand or encourage you to seek help. It’s important to educate yourself and/or seek treatment. Remember, you’re not alone and many people in the world suffer with this illness, but there is hope. I promise!

I haven’t had a suicidal thought or attempt in over a decade. I have tamed my “black dog”, but it took a lot of hard work to do and a LOT of stubbornness. I am now living in the light at the end of the tunnel and I can’t think of anything more I would want than to live and grow old. My life isn’t always perfect, but I’ve learned to appreciate the good things that I do have and the good people I have around me.

I feel so sad that Robin Williams couldn’t see how wonderful he was or how much people loved him. It’s a huge lost to the world, now that he’s gone. Thanks, Mr. Williams, for all of the funny memories and good work you’ve done for others. It’s a real tragedy to lose you so soon and you will be so very missed. Links: Conan Remembers Robin Williams, Robin Williams as Troops “Retreat”, 5 Facts You Didn’t Know About Robin Williams. The world lost a true gem. u_u

agfriends2The one thing about this tragedy is, it reminded me more profoundly why I fight so hard against my depression. And it inspires me to keep on fighting.

Stay safe, everyone. And thanks for reading!



4 thoughts on “Time For A Serious Talk!”

    1. That’s a very excellent question! Well, personally I had five or six REALLY bad ones before, and I nearly gave up on the idea of therapy. And then I had two very good ones. One helped saved my life and my current one is just as amazing. Both therapists started out with introducing themselves to me normally and then they said something that I could respect, “I am here to work for you, not the other way around. If I ever do anything wrong within our sessions or make you feel uncomfortable, please let me know, so that I may correct that. It’s okay if you later feel that I am not a fit for you as a therapist. I will do everything I can to help you find the therapist that is the right, if that should happen.” And after that, they basically asked me my name and when I say, “My friends call me Dani”, they both asked “Is it alright if I call you Dani too?” In my past with bad therapists, they would say to me, “You must do everything my way! If you knew so much about what was best for you, then you wouldn’t need to see me! I’m the professional!”, they were rude, and they gave me whatever nickname they felt like. Sorry, for the complicated answer, but I think my real and short answer is… a person knows they have the right therapist when it feels right. There’s no one way of telling ahead of time, one must try and try again. ^_^

      1. No no, thank you for your insight.
        Would you say its something you know from the first session? How exactly do you find them? google therapist?

      2. Well, I want to be all cool and claim that I can tell from the first session, but honestly I have no clue until the fourth or fifth season. And I find all of my therapists by simply going in to see a medical doctor (any GP) and telling them that I feel depressed and need help. Medical doctors will help refer you to a therapist, they’re trigger happy to do so! That’s how I got my amazing current therapist, I went to see my GP and she set me up with an appointment and an address. The hardest part is to actually show up for the appointment, I believe. However, my trick for that is to say to myself, “What do I stand to lose? The therapist may suck and I would have wasted a little time… but on the other hand, I could actually gain some help here. YOLO!” lol. Sorry, I couldn’t resist,,, but seriously, that’s what I do, I take a chance and go for it. ;-)

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