I use to sit around in misery a lot, counting all of the things that I didn’t have in my life, all of the things that I thought I needed. I use to wish for so many things: I wish I was prettier, I wish I was smarter, I wish I was stronger, I wish I had more money, I wish I had a loving father, I wish I had the same things as my peers, I wish…
The wishes got stronger and it became: I need to be prettier, I need to be smarter, I need to be stronger, I need more money, I need a loving father, I need the same things as my peers, I need… I need these things in order to be happy! I need…
Pretty soon, this was my anthem to my depression. I began to fixate on what I didn’t have, forgetting what I did have, and I was so very convinced that the only way to find happiness is to gain the things that I did not have. Thus began a series of: If I only had the right romantic relationship. If I only had the right career. If I only had the right education. If I only had the right friends. If I only lived in the right location… I would finally be happy. I could be happy if I had those things!
The words turned into a babble of noise within my head, of wishes, needs, and “if I had”. The next word that would thunder through my mind was: WANT, WANT, WANT, WANT! By the end of it, I thought I was going insane. u_u
And maybe, in the way, I was losing it. I was so focused on what I didn’t have, believing that my answer to my happiness was something that I didn’t yet possess and was just slightly out of my grasp, that I was missing the big picture: Happiness is what I make it to be.
As Bono sang, “What you don’t have, you don’t need it now!”, I wondered to myself, “Uh-huh… so now what? How do I become happy without those things?” I use to scoff at that part of the song, until I realized that all along what I DO have I can derive happiness from it.
I enjoy writing, so I write. I may not be famous or well known for it. I may not make money from it, and I may not make sense with it all the time. However, when I blog or write a novel, I’m SO very zen and happy! It brings me joy to ramble, even in posts like this one, and it brings me great satisfaction whenever I sit back and admire the finished project and effort I’ve put into any piece, successful or not.
I don’t need a lot of “likes” or comments, I see each of my posts here as a work of art. My art. An expression of a soul, something that I’ve dared to share with a public, naked and vulnerable! I am proud that I am this brave to share it, even when I sometimes think “this post is too rant-y, too long, not entertaining enough, too dark, too preachy” and so on. I share it anyway! This whole blog is a work of art of my true expression and this makes me feel so very satisfied and HAPPY!
Why focus on what I don’t have within my writing, when the happiness that I do have is such a thing? I’m going to make it as notable writer someday, that’s my goal, but I’m happy with my writing RIGHT NOW all the same!
No, I don’t have a physical beauty about myself, but I am not ashamed to admit that I have a very BEAUTIFUL soul. It’s one of a kind, a work of art, and I don’t say that with an ego… I say that because I’ve earned it! My past pain didn’t break my soul, it didn’t smirch its beauty, my soul survived and she is a beautiful goddess! So why mourn what I don’t have on the outside, when I have that kind of beauty on the inside? Screw that! ^o^/
No, I’m not rich. I’m not even moderately wealthy. I’m dirt poor. However, with my little income I’ve enjoyed so many cool things in life, I have traveled across the country, I’ve experienced so many cool things in life, and I continue to do so! Why worry about what I don’t have, when I seem to have a wealth of things already? I’m not starving, I have a roof over my head, I’m in a warm house in the winters, and a chilled house in the summers, I have running hot water, and the internet. Why should I feel sad for anything else? o_O
Happiness is all about perspective. It’s true that those who suffer with mental illness can’t always see this perspective and for that I understand. However, for the rest of the world, I don’t get why so many people are unhappy about what they don’t have, when they have so much already. I probably don’t have as much as some others do, and yet I am happy. I mean, I really feel happy and content.
Maybe not all the time, because everybody hurts sometimes (Wow, a lot of song references today. Hmm.), but for the most part I can say honestly with a smile on my face, that I am happy! I know what contentment feels like. And I’m not going to stop there, oh no no no… I’m aim to keep moving forward and continue to add more happiness to my life. I’ve learned to replace the grumbles in my mind with: I HAVE, ^_^
What I don’t have, I may get it someday, and perhaps I may not. In the meanwhile, that’s not going to affect my happiness NOW. So, I write.
Thanks for reading!