Anyway… since I am bored and I’m kind of running out of things of blog about, I thought I would write something to address something I’ve noticed from time to time, mostly in offline situations: I make people feel nervous.
I don’t mean to do this, but the reason why people may feel awkward and nervous around me, is because I’m feeling that way around them.
A lot of people on the internet swear that they KNOW me, because they’ve read my past blogging or my current posts, or follow my wacky reblogging of other people’s materials on Facebook, but no… they don’t really know me.
A person could read this blog from start to finish, or go crazy and read ALL of my blogs on WordPress, and they will only gain about 10% of who I am. And I’m being generous with that number, because a lot of my old blogs are outdated, the views expressed may not be my same view now.
Hey, people grow up and grow wiser, or so they should anyway. 29 year old Dani may have been educated in a subject further and has adjusted her “mind palace” to reflect the new information in her mid-30’s. In a few years from now, much of this blog may become irrelevant as well. Some views I may carry to the end of my life cycle, however others are always subject to change. ^_-
Back to my point… Online people may believe that they know me well by my writings, but for offline people the passage is much more narrower to understanding me, as offline people don’t generally browse my blogs and some do not learn that my blogs even exist.
I blab a whole lot more online than I do offline. In person, I’m basically mute, I smile and nod a lot. I answer in short sentences or one-word responses. I try to push myself to be more chatty, but whenever I do so, it becomes a string of words that makes no sense nor is remotely related to each other. O_O
I’m no good at speaking at all, unless it’s with relatives or long time family friends. My best form of communication is writing. However, my silence seem to make people in social situations a lot nervous. They have a hard time reading me and I’m not giving away sufficient clues either.
A person has to ask me what I’m thinking or feeling on what they’ve said or ask for a direct opinion on a movie plot, otherwise I will not volunteer that information. Even so, they may get a short response of what I think, however online responses would be quite long.
My therapist seem a bit uneasy too, when I am smiling and nodding, but not adding a lot to her statement towards some issue of mine. And it’s weird, because when she gives writing assignments for homework, that’s when I turn in five page essays. Her eyes grow wide as she exclaims, “Wow! You did a good job with this! You’re a really good writer!” I blush and nod in response.
And, if my therapist was not a therapist, she wouldn’t get the in-depth essays about my emotions, worries, and so on. It’s much like how I never dive too deeply or give out too many details in my blogs, hence why the people who read them never get to know me fully.
I never feel comfortable or trusting enough to share the deeper things about myself with people I don’t know for a very long time, unless that person is a therapist. It’s the same difference as I don’t feel comfortable undressing and being naked in front of a complete stranger, but for a medical doctor, it’s alright. I really hate those paper gowns though, I always seem to rip them… I’m just saying. =p
So, it takes a long time for people to gain a general sense about who I am as a person. Here’s a slight cheat sheet: My emotions are mysterious like a feline’s and I’m quiet as a ninja. I’m a Ninja-cat! Nyaa!!! (<—Japanese term for “meow”, by the way). ^w^
However, my natural default means that I am often lonely and I have a very lonely soul. So, it’s not as cool as it sounds. u_u
I’m a very complicated person, yet I don’t take myself too seriously, but I don’t feel that I’m a total joke either. I have a wicked sense of humor and love to laugh, but not everything is worthy of a laugh. I’m always in a contemplative mode, or I’m not thinking at all and binging on very silly Youtube videos: like this. Veg out… @_@
I am very kind toward others, in general, but my kindness does have its limits. I’ve grown a bit cranky and less sympathetic in the following years, not overly so, but I have very little tolerance for drama queens or bullsh$t now. I will purr and cuddle with you, but rub me the wrong way and you will meet my kitty-claw jutsu. You have been warned. u_u
I enjoy comfortable silences and not speaking too much. This is something that my readers would never peg me for, being that my blogs tend to ramble and my private email replies are no different. Perhaps writing and speaking are two different things to me.
I’m mysterious and there’s so much MORE to me than what I let on, either in blogs, in emails, or in person. Hundreds of different people have been in and out of my life’s circle, of many cultures and life philosophies, and only three people ever managed to travel remotely close to knowing everything there is to know about me. That would be my sister, my friend in Vienna, and someone else who’s far into my past.
My dream is to meet someone special someday, who will earn the right to know ALL about me; the good, the bad, and the ugly.
In the meanwhile, I’m working on not making those around me feel awkward or nervous. I do wish to become less lonely and to make more friends, not just online ones. However, I wish to do so in a way where I can remain my true ninja self and not force myself to become a bubbly chatty person, aka: someone that I am not.
Nyaa!!!! Thanks for reading. ^_^v