Success Is Trying!

girlwithblackgoggleswithtesttubeI’ve been blabbing A LOT on Twitter and to every person in my life that will listen, about  my new long term goal. A month ago, my therapist mentioned about education grants, which I was highly unaware of, thus sparking my decision to go back to school and earn my PhD in Physics! ^o^v

I have known about student loans and know the negative issues connected to them, as my sister finished school on student loans. And now she’s in massive debt, because she was unable to gain a job with her IT degree, instead taking smaller jobs that are beneath her talents in order to support herself. And the student loans will follow her for the rest of her life, as “eloquently” explained by John Oliver.

I cannot take on debt, as I’m struggling to possibly save my little money to pay for my eyesight needs (surgery for my Keratoconus condition), because the FDA won’t approve the surgery that I desperately need and my insurance company basically told me to go screw myself. The idea of taking on student loans, without a guaranteed that I will gain a job with my degree to repay the debt, seems like a very crippling gamble to make.

Then my therapist mentioned something called “Pell Grants”, which is a loan that doesn’t require a person to pay it back. Not ever. That’s when I decided that I would go back to school and try to earn my PhD in Physics. I may not be able to get this grant or it may not last me to Graduate school, I may have to work out something else for that step, but seriously I would like to try!

I suffer with an anxiety disorder, that’s directly connected to crowds and social interaction, however my therapist assures me that she will help me get it under control, so that I may be able to attend university within a year. Meanwhile, I’m preparing myself with online classes, that are free or cost very little. It’s been over a decade since I’ve been in school, so this step will help my confidence to complete a few refresher courses, while I work on my anxiety issues in therapy.

I’m not sure if I’ll make it through this long term goal, but I want to try and I’m very excited about it! With the input of my therapist, I’ve mapped out the many steps it’s going to take for me to reach my goal.

FruitsBasket_Tohru-hondaAnd, as I replied to my best friend, “If I am successful in my steps, in five to eight years I will become a Physicist. If I am not successful, I would have experienced a wild ride in science and self esteem, just within the journey of trying my best at something that I wanted to do and have a real love for! Somehow… it still sounds like a success, even if I never get my PhD in Physics. So, I can’t help but to feel happy and hopeful for my future!”

I’ve always been prone to try out anything that I am inspired to do in life, regardless of the worry of  “failure” or not.  If I don’t gain my PhD in Physics, this won’t be the first time I’ve went for something ambitious and didn’t win the top prize for it. And after this, I doubt I’ll ever stop trying to reach for the stars. For me, life is not worth living if I can’t try to get what I want within it.

What makes me happy and feel accomplished in life is that I’ve fearlessly went for it, “it” being whatever wacky ambitious career or goal that sparked my interests over the last nineteen years of my life. For that, I have a colorful list of previous careers I’ve studied for and actually performed.

For example, did you know that I was once an Ordained Christian Minster of a church for two years? Yep, I had studied the Bible formally and passed my exams, thus gaining my degrees and licence to perform weddings and speak at funerals. It’s bizarre, because I later became Pagan instead and haven’t subscribe to that religion for over a decade now. Yet, as far as I know, I can still perform weddings legally in any state. Hmm… o_O

For several years, I was a babysitter and took care of young children and infants. Which is probably why I don’t wish to have children of my own! I know the horrors of caring for children first hand. @_@
I was a youth counselor for a local after-school program, until the program was shut down due to lack of funding. Hmm…

BlackButler_UndertakerI’ve took classes for becoming an undertaker in a funeral home, yet I got too grossed out with the embalming process… not the dead body, per se, but the removing of organs and etc. So, I ran away from completing that training. However, I am satisfied that I gave that a try and found out that my definite answer of becoming an undertaker is: NOPE!  In order words, I regret nothing! ^_^

I’ve always pushed myself for a writing career and I did get a bit far within that, just because I gave it my best shot. I regret nothing, in spite of the fact that I’ve never became a famous author.

What I do regret is the one time that I didn’t try something that I wanted. I was preparing to become FBI at one point, but I let some disgruntle agent talk me out of it. This regret haunts me every day of my life and it’s one of those things that I would change, if I could go back in time. Which is impossible, by the way, time doesn’t work in reverse but it’s VERY possible to travel forward to the future. If you’re interested, look up “Time Dilation” or “Theory of Special Relativity” on Google and read the many interesting articles.

For the last four years, Physics has been a hobby of mine, but now I very much want to see if it could possibly become a career. I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed and the mathematics will be a nightmare, and yet I really want to go for it. And I will!

What I’ve learned from my life, is there’s no real failure in trying something and not gaining what I had hoped to in the end. The real failure is not trying at all or ever knowing if I could have succeeded or not. The real failure is letting self-doubt (and disgruntled opinions of others) take over and quitting before I ever began.

makise_kurisu_by_torakun14-d4z8hj3I won’t allow excuses to stop me from what I really want to achieve. I can’t see very well to read books, due to my eye disease, but I’ve discovered Physics books on I can see somewhat when I use a magnifying glass, so I will ask the teachers if it’s alright for me to have one during exams and reading assignments in class.

Going for what I want in life is always a huge challenge for me, in some way or another, but I’m a stubborn one (must be the Irish in my DNA) and I don’t give up easily without a good fight! Hurrah! ^_^/

Thanks for reading, as always.



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