2016 has been a very bizarre year, to say the least. So many good artists have passed on, some personal loved ones have died this year for others, and saying goodbye is never an easy thing for me to do. No matter if it’s the death of a loved one or the ending of what was once a close relationship.
In 2016, I’ve had to say goodbye to some toxic relationships. So, I wish to blog about it a little, for a little prosperity.
I did write a previous post about this subject before, The People I Will Meet, however, I feel compelled to update that I no longer view some people in my past as “roaches”. That was a tad harsh of 2014 Dani, but I kept the post as an honest expression of myself way back when. People do change and grow with time, learn from their mistakes, and continue forward. At least, I DO, after all. ;^_^>
In spite of that harsh criticism about my past abusers, the bulk of that post still rings true for me. I do wish for my time with others to last forever and ever, yet in life, such expectations are highly unreasonable. At some point, the party within any relationship is going to end, either by a death or two people simply growing apart from each other. It’s not such a grim fact to me anymore, I just accept it as a part of Life.
To quote a beloved Minnesotan, “Life is just a party and parties weren’t meant to last.” – Prince Rogers Nelson.
Over this last year, I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching about those in my past, those within my present, and those from my past who are within my current present. I began to reconcile with the positive experiences that I did share with everyone, the moments where they taught me something important, and the moments where they made me smile and feel safe.
I didn’t allow myself to just rest on the “good bits” but to remember why the relationships had ended or currently ended in the first place. I was able to keep the fond memories that I had shared with them, yet not fall into a trap of missing them or wishing that they would return back into my life. A lot of these individuals are a lot sick and are not good for me. I’m pretty sure that they’re not good for anyone, at this point, not even themselves.
Yet, I have somehow freed my heart of any bitterness I held for the shadows within my past. I am able to move on, the memory of my past abusers are slowly fading from me, and I feel renewed in my life. I guess this is what true forgiveness is all about. It doesn’t mean that I have to ever trust that person or allow them back into my life, not at all, it means that I am making a conscious choice to not let the pain of the past linger nor control me any longer.
I took it a step further and extended it to past friendships that were good for a very long time until we grew apart. The friendships often ended over something silly, like the other person couldn’t handle the fact that I’m not strictly heterosexual or they hated my chosen religion at the time (Pagan). So, they called it quits and told me to take a hike! I felt so much hurt over those situations and harbored such bitterness against them, that I use to deny every good memory I had shared with them. I don’t do that anymore, I will openly speak about the good experiences in past friendships now, even though the friendships have long ended over stupid reasons.
I remembered my old stance that some people aren’t meant to stay in my life forever, or even for a very long time. It would be nice if a friend would remain a friend from high-school until we’re both old and gray, only ending when one of us dies of natural causes, but it’s highly unreasonable for me to expect such a special and rare friendship with every person I cross paths with.
As it is, I’m young and haven’t met that many people in my life (really, a few hundred people aren’t that many! ^w^), so I have time to meet more people and start new relationships. The world hasn’t run out of people yet! I’ve come to the strong realization that some people are meant to come into my life for a little while, then flutter off. And vice versa, I may stumble into someone life, but there’s a good chance that I shall flutter off later on. And that’s okay! ^_^
I’ve had to say goodbye to a few friendships earlier this year and it’s not because of death or illness, thank goodness. Nor was it over anything trite like politics, my sexual orientation, or my current state of religious belief (I’m wholly Agnostic, these days!). It was because the relationships became a lot selfish, thoughtless, and disruptive to my overall well being or life. I understand that the persons involved are not mentally well and refuses (for one reason or another) to seek professional help for their illnesses. I’m not saying that they are a bad people, they’re not at all. However, they’re too sick right now to respect my boundaries or to care about anyone else besides themselves. In order to keep myself safe and healthy, I was forced to say goodbye to them.
I did feel hurt when I had a very major corneal surgery in February of this year, yet none of them seemed to care to give encouragement nor well wishes. Not even on Facebook. Which would have been fine, but two days directly after my surgery, they saw it fit to contact me and dump their dramas at my feet. Even when I had explained that I was trying to recover from the surgery, that I wasn’t up for such drama, they refused to acknowledge my surgery or to agree that I needed time to heal and couldn’t play “therapist” to them.
I don’t wish to play therapist for anyone, not at all. It’s not fun, I’m not qualified, and I must see a therapist for my issues because this forced role is not a two-way street. In other words, I’m never allowed to dump my issues on them, as they’re suddenly “too busy” or quickly change the subject back to their issues. Even when it’s something as important as venting my fears concerning a surgery to restore my eyesight, they couldn’t be bothered with it. Not only did it happened with the eye surgery, but it was a repeat of this attitude for the two other surgeries I went through this year.
And I do understand, perhaps they’re too caught up in their own illnesses that they can’t be a friend to anyone and can only selfishly care about themselves. However, it’s not okay for them to have the expectation that I should sacrifice my sleep, my recovery time, my peace of mind, and spend time out of my life to cater to their issues. It’s unfair and highly unreasonable!
I’m not bitter nor spiteful against these people because I was not alone with such huge transitions within my life, I wasn’t completely abandoned in my time of need.
My therapist very much worried and expressed a lot of good luck to me. She even offered to pray for my surgery going well, then she winced, “Wait… is that weird to offer?” I gave her a bewildered glance and nodded slowly, “Yes… it’s a little bit weird.”, as I am agnostic. She then smirked, “Well, I want to try everything, to make sure your surgery is a success! It couldn’t hurt!” And we both chuckled. Weird or not, her gesture was very much heartwarming and appreciated!
With my eye surgery, my roommate was the one to take days off from work, in order to ensure that I make it to every pre-op appointment, the surgery, and post-op appointments. And she was the one with the mad skills to drive us through the blizzard, on the day of my surgery. She got us there and back home alive! I’ll always be thankful for her kindness and bravery!
My hairstylist hugged me and wished me all the best, after doing my hair so expertly, a few days before my operation. She was worried but was very hopeful that everything would work out for me. And three internet pals wished me luck, either on my blog itself or in private messenger on Twitter. My new friend, Allan, kept me company in messages during my three-day stay in the hospital after my myomectomy. I am thankful!
Most importantly, my sister was by my side during the whole experience, up until they wheeled me away to the operating room, all three times. For every appointment and surgery, she was there to help me through the crowds, to speak with the doctors (when I was too afraid to do so), and she was sitting by my bed when I woke up after the surgeries. She even bought me two stuffed animals from the gift shop, which I wasn’t expecting at all, but dearly cherish. I do have the best sister in the world! I’ll fight anyone on that! =p
Even my oldest brother, whom I haven’t chatted with for years, made a call to me on the day that I returned home from my eye surgery. He wanted to know how I was feeling and, although I was a bit loopy on painkillers, I assured him that everything was fine and it seemed that the surgery was a success. We discussed the medications (eye drops – Prednisolone) that I still have to take daily and he sounded relieved that I was okay.
That said… I was not alone during that time, I had a community of people who cared about me. And I care for everyone in return! I may not have had any “best friends” at this point in my life, but I was not alone. So, I can’t bring myself to hate the people that I had to say farewell to this year because they’re not bad people. They’re just sick and very selfish right now.
I will not continue to be hurt by their thoughtless actions nor to accept their pushy attitudes that I MUST listen to their dramas, with an additional emotional blackmail that they won’t speak to me unless I do what they want from me. I no longer accept the script of putting my emotions, my health, and my well-being second in order to hold onto people or to claim that I have friendships. So, it was time for us to say our goodbyes.
I do wish them all the best and if we should never meet again much later in life, that’s okay too. I’ll always keep the good memories that I’ve shared with them and appreciate the great lessons they’ve taught me in the past. However, if they’re looking for things to remain the same toxic set-up of before, it’s best that they should sod off and never return! Life is just too short for anything less than happiness. And, “ain’t nobody got time for that“! Heehee!
This year was one of healing and rebirth for me, I think. And this haunting tune comes to mind because I’m such a nerd: Doctor Who – Doomsday Theme. Goodbye, Rose. ^w^
Thanks for reading, as always. And I wish everyone a Happy New Year! Be safe! ^_-