All posts by Shadowgrl30

I am many things... I am the witch, the best friend, the aunt, the sister, the daughter, the niece, the cousin, the damsel, the hero, the villain. But most of all, I'm just me. ^_^

My Definition Of Happiness

Picture: Space GirlWoah… wait, wow! o_o

It’s been a long while since I’ve last written a post on this old blog.  The WordPress editor has changed drastically and… hang on, I’m trying to figure out what buttons work for what on this new ship. *Beep-boop! Kabump!* Ah, that sounded like a small explosion somewhere… I probably shouldn’t press that button again. o_O

So… Hello, dear readers! ^o^/
If there is anyone around that still reads my random ramblings anymore, that is. Heehee!

Since I’ve been getting what I suspect are spam signups for my blog lately (a lot of emails from Outlook… does anyone really use Outlook for email anymore? That’s like still using AOL in this day and age. I apologize, if you still use either service…), I decided to give one last post to top it off for prosperity sake. ^_^

The reason why I haven’t been blogging lately is that I have found happiness in my life. True, stable, and awesome happiness in my life. Right here in Minnesota! Yes, it’s cold, we have snow blizzards in April, Summer last for a second and Autumn is non-existent, HOWEVER, the hearts and spirits are warm here – loving, selfless, giving, progressive, and kind. I finally found my true community and family, here in this awesome state! Huzzah! ^o^/

Most days I am happy, content, and excited about facing each new day. It’s not perfect, as nothing in this world ever is, but I’m in a place that I can truly call home. I’m well beloved and cared for in Minnesota, I’m free to be my absolute self and people like me for it! I mean, they REALLY like me. And I really like them in return.

So, to recap since my last political post – leaving the politics aside, of course… I had mentioned my health goals and I have some good updates: I’ve been smoke-free for over a year now. And I have changed my diet, started a workout routine, and have lost in total thirty-seven lbs. I plan to lose a bit more and continue my new healthy diet for life. For the first time this year, I treated myself to a new pair of skinny jeans!

My friendships are going well now, as I learned how to set boundaries (aka: how not to be a doormat to others) and had gained a better perspective about the kinds of people I will allow into my life or not. I realized that I HAVE THE POWER (He-man!) to choose who gets to stay in my social circle or not, and I have the ability to change my mind at any given time.

So, I tend to choose those who are not of constant negative attitude or drama-queens, and I align with those who are similar to my own values and ideas, with a healthy space for those around me to be their unique selves and celebrate our differences together. In plain terms – I don’t care if you’re a Diet Coke fan more so than a Pepsi fan, come on in out of the cold and let’s be friends!

I DO care if your attitude is to exploit the weak or to do harm to others for your own selfish gains or agendas – GTFO and freeze to death in the Minnesota snow! >_>

My definition of happiness has taken on a new form, so I will share what I’ve concluded on this possibly last blog post. Possibly. Or at least for a very long while, as I have a happy life to return back to and LIVE. ^w^

This is just my personal definition of the term “happiness”, it may be different for different people. Humans are very complex in that way, what is happiness for one person may be a total nightmare for another. This is why I believe setting an authoritarian-like standard for what happiness should be for a grand number of people is a highly flawed idea and a crime against humanity in general.

However, that’s a rant/debate for some other time. ^_^

Happiness is not static nor something that can be captured and held in place forever. Emotions ebb and flow like an ocean. As a human, I will experience the many different tides of emotions in my lifetime: Sadness, loss, despair, doubt, fear, anger, contemplation, hopefulness, amusement, acceptance, contentment, and so on.

For me, happiness is about experiencing more of the positive than the negative in any given day, week, month, or year.

I’m happy to report that I’ve felt positivity for the majority of this past year of 2018. Most days, I’m content and living my life to the fullest, within a loving community of awesome friends, family, and neighbors. I’ve joined in the efforts to fight world suck and to help others, through charity events or to help spread the word about important human events to that end.

My quest has changed from seeking happiness to fighting to make the world a better place for myself, my community, and for many others far away from Minnesota.

At the end of the day, I rest knowing that I’ve spent my time wisely and is excited about what more I will experience on the following day. I have my sad moments, but it lasts only for a day before I find my “positive mental attitude” once again and I’m back on track to living my happy life and advocating for others.

I write my fiction novels, as usual, gaining such a fiery delight in spending hours on completing manuscripts. Currently, I’ve fallen into writing women’s erotica, and I happen to be very good at it. I enjoy sharing my writings with my friends, gaining valuable feedback and I hope to publish someday soon.

As for my other passions, I enjoy spending hours as a “Professional Smart-arse”, trading witty jokes of high sarcasm and satire with my friends, while incorporating that humor into my novels as well.

I live in a very safe community, in a quiet little house, with my sister and one awesome roommate, a little dog named Apollo, and a cat named Bubbles. In my household, there’s no drama or upsets, no screaming or fighting during the day or nights, and we pretty much all get along and is respectful of each other.

However, high-pitched squeals over new awesome movies, music, or an event coming to town IS allowed – and happen often. ^_^

Our home is often the hub of Queer Pride as well, with a stance that everyone should be free to love who they love. Period. We don’t engage in negative put-downs or harmful criticisms (about weight, appearances, or anything of that nature) and such negativity isn’t allowed to enter our home! Not at all. Home is a place to relax and not put on a beauty pageant nor to attempt to gain self-esteem by putting someone else down.

However, gay-pride celebrations and pageants are a go! Paaaaaaartay! ^o^/

Happiness is learning how to love and accept myself, to appreciate the good and the shortcomings that make me Dani. I’m 37 years old, but I don’t shy away from expressing myself honestly, not only in words but in my own personal fashion style. My hair is currently the color royal blue, burgundy, a hint of blonde, and dark brown, with a side-haircut.

I receive compliments on my hair all of the time, but I wear it this way because it’s SO Dani – It’s me.  I dare to be myself with no apologies and without any fucks to give.

So, in conclusion, happiness to me is building a nice environment and social circle of awesome people, being my honest self, protecting and standing up for myself, fighting against world suck, and practicing positive mental attitude.

I have found happiness, you guys, so my quest is complete. This blog is done, for now, I think. My happiness may not last forever and I am fully aware that it will not always be constant, but if I lose it, I know what to do to find it again. And I’m not alone, I have others who will take up torches and help me search for it as well.

Picture: Blue-haired Girl Underwater.

Song for today: Nexeri – Ocean (ft. Yvette Adams)

Thank you for spending so many years with me, dear readers. I wish you all the best and DFTBA – Don’t forget to be awesome! ^o^/



Surviving Politics

Picture: anime blue haired girl

Hey, dear readers. ^_^

I had hoped to avoid the orange elephant in the room for as long as possible, ever since the November 2016 US Election. This is a blog about finding happiness and there’s hardly any happiness to be found within politics. Especially with the recent drop in my country’s democracies, freedoms, and overall morality under the helm of the current Administration.

First of all, I’d like to explain that I’m neither Republican or Democrat. I’m Independent and a casual observer of politics, and have voted in the last three elections, which includes 2016. I’ve been an Independent ever since the Bush Administration. I’ve written letters of complaint and concerns of my community to Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and Barack Obama in the past. I’m not interested in political teams, but in fairness for the majority of American citizens and upholding our US Constitution and freedoms for ALL.

And, unfortunately, calling out this current Administration in any way causes its supporters/fans to go wild with indignation. The keyboard warriors in support of “Dear Leader” are often poorly educated people that have learned a logical fallacy term, in “Word Of The Day”-like fashion: Ad Hominem. They honestly argue, “You’ve used an Ad Hominem! That means your point is invalid! You’ve just opted out of the argument! Bahahaha!” and rally-cry this to ad nauseam. Hmm.

The problem with their argument is, that the Electoral College appointed POTUS is the King of Ad Hominem, so they’ve just “logic” themselves into a corner of making the argument that most of what this current Administration says is invalid and he has opted out of America’s and the rest of the world’s discussions and debates.

And I can’t help but agree with that notion, to be honest, as most of what the current POTUS says is invalid or devoid of any reality or sanity. Yes, he has opted out of any discussions held by the majority of American citizens or any discussions held by other countries or allies with America. He has deemed anything that he doesn’t agree with as “Fake news!” However, he’s not simply inept because he uses insults in his arguments, it’s because he uses lies and alternative facts/reality to further his own greedy agendas.

Since the supporters/fans of the current Administration insist on making Ad Hominem into an internet meme, rather than use the term correctly in debates and learn the other logical fallacies that accompany it (Here’s a good one, for example, The Fallacy Fallacy), I shall respond with an internet meme in return. Cue in Zoidberg!

Picture: Zoidberg Meme


“Your Administration is bad! And you should feel bad!”


However, this is not a post meant to rehash over the political nightmare of America, but a reason to share my list of how I try to retain my happiness within a country hijacked by a minority base of deplorable types and insanity. I hope this list can be helpful to the MAJORITY of Americans who can honestly respond to my ramblings with “I feel you, dawg”. ^_^

Step One: I’m on a 96% political and news media blackout. Six months into following every news update and vile tweet, I noticed that my mental health was declining rapidly. My depression and anxiety issues were soaring to the max, which concerned my therapist and myself.

So, I opted out of following the news and avoid clicking politically charged headlines online. I will check in from time to time, mostly for updates of Special Council Robert Mueller’s findings, but my political consumption is down to few reports once every couple of weeks or so.

In the meanwhile, I’ve tasked my family and friends to alert me of important things in the news. Such as current natural disasters, the death of artists, important community events, and so on. Or to alert me of a moment when America is at war with North Korea, China, Russia, Mexico… *takes a breath* The Middle East, The UK, India, Japan, Germany, South America, France, Australia, Isreal, Canada, Africa… Whew… At this point, I think our POTUS is just knocking at every door, in a sing-song, “Will you come outside and play war with me? PLEASE???” ;u_u

Step Two: I focus on my own health goals. Although my corneal transplant has been a huge success, I have other health issues to work on, a few other surgeries I must face (removing non-cancerous tumors) and feeling okay within my own body. I bought a Mi-fit (discount Fitbit) to work on my daily steps and started a new healthy diet, in an attempt to gain a model’s figure… Nah! Not really, but it couldn’t hurt for me to lose thirty pounds. And, I’ve been 221 Days without a cigarette! ^o^/

Step Three: Learn new things! My favorite topic is SCIENCE! However, I try to keep a keen eye open for other data, like world history, music production, game developing, or simply learning about another culture and lifestyle outside of my own. I sometimes delve into philosophy with my best friend or learn a new word in another language. It’s nice to stay educated and to keep learning.

Step Four: To have fun and to be silly! I enjoy long sessions of laughter with my sister and best friend, trading jokes or witty retorts for hours. I enjoy funny videos online and comedy shows. And adding a bit of humor to my blog posts.

Wink! ^_-

Memes can be a lot of fun to share with friends! I’m memelord trash, by the way, and I claim it with a sense of pride as well. Yes, I allow myself to be childish sometimes, staying up late to play a video game or binge-watching Netflix (I definitely suggest “Bates Motel”, it’s completely binge-worthy!). To quote a famous Doctor, “There’s no point being a grown-up if you can’t be childish sometimes.”

Step Five: ??? Profit! (Sorry! I just had to! ^o^/)

Step Six: Following my passions! And for me, personally, that means writing. I’m currently writing a romance/erotica series that I started in the spring of 2017, a full 90,000+ word novel each. I’m writing book number four, as of yet. I’m not sure if I’ll publish the series or not, I wrote it for my own enjoyment. However, if I do decide to publish the novels, I’ll most likely send it to Harlequin Books for review or something along those lines.

The point is, I’ve decided to spend my time immersed in something wholeheartedly enjoyable and passionate to me, rather than to focus too much on the negative going-ons in my country of late. And it has worked wonders in keeping my depression and anxiety levels low to moderate.

Picture: Anime girl traveling.

I’ll definitely vote again in the next elections, for whatever worth that will do but, for now, I’ve chosen to ignore a rather boisterous and oppressive regime, to stay calm and carry on with my quest for happiness.

Song for today’s post: Furious 2 by Niklas Gustavsson.

Thanks for reading my usual ramblings, as always! Be excellent to each other and take care! ^o^/

– D

Another Kind Of PSA?

Picture: Blue haired anime girl.Hello, dear readers. ^_^

It’s been a while since my last post. I have a personal story that I’d like to share with you about my past and a little idea lately…

When I was a young teen, I had a best friend in Philadelphia that was around my age, a lesbian girl who knew of and accepted the fact of my bisexuality. We had known each other since we were just little girls but, in our adolescence, we pretty much came out of the closet to each other.

In that moment, I felt such a relief that I wasn’t alone, as we both lived in a very conservative community that was super religious and outspoken against homosexuality.  The ministers of our church would often preach about how homosexuals were going to be tortured in the fires of hell for all eternity.

We had both witnessed a minister’s family in our neighborhood toss their eighteen-year-old daughter into the streets because she confessed to them that she was a lesbian. The other neighbors gossiped about the event and they felt sorry for the parents for having a gay child, giving them their condolences and offering prayers that their daughter would “come away from that evil lifestyle.”

My own mother sat me and my sister down, to talk about the incident, and to tell us that if we were to commit a crime, or become teen mothers, or get into any trouble she would always be there for us and love us regardless. Except if we were gay. If we “decided” to be that, she said it would be an unforgivable embarrassment to her and she would do the same as the parents of the lesbian eighteen-year-old.

I knew that I was bisexual since the age of twelve, at a time where homosexuality was not really accepted in the media and so forth, and her warning came to me around the age of fifteen. I felt horrified and buried the truth deep down inside of me until my best friend confessed that she was lesbian.

Picture: anime girls hugging.My best friend was so afraid when she told me that she is lesbian, because she thought I wouldn’t want to be her friend anymore. I was so relieved and told her about my bisexuality, welcoming her with open arms, and our friendship seemed to grow closer since that moment.

However, my lesbian best friend decided to come out of the closet to everyone in her life. I admired and envied her courage to do that, but I was a coward and couldn’t follow in her footsteps. I witnessed the abuse she had gained from it, both verbal and physical abuse.

People often approached her and shouted “dyke” and people would fight her, leaving bruises and black eyes. She was determined to be herself and she was a scrappy fighter, giving it back as good as she got it. I was just a shy and weak wallflower that had zero skills in fighting, so I hid in my closet for several years and began to hate myself. I believed that I was “born wrong” and fell into deep depression, which led to many suicide attempts and inpatient stays in mental hospitals.

I carry a guilt of lashing out towards my best friend, as a church woman that didn’t know of her sexuality approached us and was especially kind to her. The woman mentioned how much my best friend was a good friend to me and how my best friend was certain to enter the kingdom of heaven for her good deeds.

I blurted, out of spite, “She’s gay and so that’s not true.” I put my best friend on the spot and the woman responded with a disgusted frown, but then tried to assure my best friend, “If you come away from that lifestyle, I’m sure that God will forgive you. And you will be able to go to heaven.”

I will forever be so sorry for what I’ve done to my friend. I was so angry and hated myself, and I was so jealous that she got to be free from her closet, in spite of the abuse she had suffered, to have the support and friendships within the gay community when I was too much of a coward to come out. I wanted to hurt her and I think I did on that day.

And even so, she stayed true to our friendship and never exposed my truth. I never got the chance to apologize to her, before I left Philly, and I hope that someday I will get that chance somehow. I did a very shitty thing and I’m so very sorry for it. u_u

In the meanwhile, I fell deeper into my depression and self-hatred, the suicide attempts increased. Out of sheer luck did every attempt fail, as I was determined to die and rid this world of a mistake. I truly thought of myself as not human but a mistake.

And then a wonderful PSA began to show up in my online feed: It Gets Better.

At the age of 21, I gave up my secret and came out to the people that I felt was important in my life. My mother didn’t take the news very well, most of my other so-called friends abandoned me, only my siblings and oldest nephew accepted me with unconditional love. It was a tough road to travel, but my self-hatred and depression began to lessen from that point on.

I’m now currently age 36, at the moment of this post, and I completely accept and love myself as a bisexual woman. I still struggle with depression, anxiety, and PTSD, due the abuse and trauma I had suffered – not related to my sexuality per se. I’m currently under the care of a very good therapist, in my new wonderful life in Minnesota, and I’m on the right path to recovery.

However, in the wake of the recent suicides of music artists, it does rattle me that so many people in this world who suffer from mental illness are left without hope that things can get better for them. There is no PSA for those living with mental illness to suggest that “It will get better” for them.

The PSAs for the LGBTQ+ community was very helpful to my life and good therapy has been overwhelmingly helpful to my mental illness. I have learned that it does indeed get better within mental illness, with a lot of effort and hard work with the proper help.

I am thinking that perhaps it’s time for mental illness to be understood and to be taken from the shadows and brought into the light, to let those who suffer with it know that they’re not alone and it can get better for them on the same level it is for sexual orientation.

It’s a just a little idea, but I wanted to share it anyway. ^_^

For all those who suffer from mental illness, you’re not alone. There are plenty of people who are willing to help, you don’t have to suffer by yourself! If you don’t have a friend or relative that you can turn to, there are places you can reach out to for help: Get Help. I reached out to my medical doctor, told her that I was feeling very depressed, and she referred me to my current awesome therapist of three years.

When I first moved to Minnesota, I felt my depression returning and thoughts of suicide again. I reached out to my medical doctor, three years ago, and told her that I was feeling very depressed. She referred me to my current awesome therapist, thus my depression is mild and manageable these days.

I can promise you, that it does get better. It’s very difficult, but when you come out on the other side of it, life is so very beautiful and has SO much to offer to you.

Picture: blue anime girl with dove.

Song of the day: Linkin Park – Iridescent.

Thanks for reading, as always. And be excellent to each other. ^o^v


Rest in peace, Chester Bennington. Your music was always a companion to me on my most difficult days. I will surely miss you! (つ﹏<)・゚。

Life Is An Adventure!

Picture: Blue haired anime girl.Hello, my wonderful readers! ^o^/

Yes, I’m still very much alive and happy. For now, at least, before my country gets wiped off the map by a nuclear blast from Korea or Russia! Hooray!

I’m kidding. It’s just a joke. Maybe. Hopefully… o_o

Anyhoo, I realized that I haven’t left a post here for two whole months and I happen to have a rambling thought on my mind, so… Don’t worry, it’s not political but life stuff. ^_^

I’ve realized that people are a bit confused about my interests in life. I love to study physics with the wish of becoming a scientist someday. I love to write novels with the wish of becoming a great writer someday. I’m currently writing a script and coding for an app game, with excellent input from my best friend, and the wish of becoming a great video game developer someday.

And so people often wonder, “Which is it, Dani? Do you want to be a scientist, a writer, or a video game developer?” My honest answer is, “All of the above. Or just one. Or a combination of two. We shall see!” ^_^

Oh, please don’t be surprised if “music artist” (mixing dubstep) or “juggler” wind up in the list in the future. I shall explain my madness…

I’ve decided that I will honestly follow my interests in life and see how far they will take me. I’m highly driven in writing, video games, and science. These are the big three in my life. I’ve had a passion for them, ever since I was a little girl, and I have some talent in each.

I’ve decided that life is an adventure, it’s supposed to be lived and not spectated. I can’t cram myself into one little box or career goal at this point. So, I’m enjoying everything and trying my hand at new skills and experiences overall.

And this honestly makes me feel happy. I wake up every day with a sense of adventure of, “What project will I do next?” ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

So… that’s what I’ve been up to lately, living a “wild” adventure, working on many different projects, and enjoying every waking moment in writing, coding, and studying science.

I have one life lesson that I’ve learned thus far, that I will share with the rest of the class – It doesn’t matter what others may think about my odd choices in life. What matters more is that I’m happy, healthy, and content within my life. And I’m SO AM!

I shall never let anyone try to dictate to me how I should live my own life, what I should follow or not follow, what should be my focus or not. As long as I’m not harming anyone or myself, I will try out everything that comes across my path and make up my own mind of what gets to stay in my life or not stay.

And yes, I will make mistakes but they will be my own mistakes, not ones caused by following someone else’s script. I will discover my own ways and habits, to not be indoctrinated into other people’s ways or habits without question. And most of all, I will live the way I always wanted to live, as Dani.

I think this what growing up and being an adult is all about. ^_^

Anyway… here’s a health update – I’ve been cigarette free for seventy-four days and counting! Huzzah! ^o^/

Picture: blue haired goth girl.

Alright, now I shall bugger off and get back to my scripts and science educations. Today’s song is: OMFG – Pancakes. Be excellent to each other, my wonderful readers, and thanks for reading as always! ^_^v


Positivity In 2017!

Picture: Blue haired anime guy reading book.I know it’s been a while since I’ve added a post to this blog. I’m determined to not allow this blog meant for positivity to be swayed with the negative political climate of my country right now. Thus, I haven’t been inspired to write or add anything lately.

However, I’d like to remind myself yet again the purpose of why I created this blog. Three years ago, I was diagnosed with an eye disease named Keratoconus, which was highly overwhelming to me at the time, with very little answers as to what to do about it. I decided to create this blog to find positivity in my life, in spite of the diagnosis, to leave myself notes of encouragement and to put into perspective of the good things in my life versus the struggles of my eye disease. For the most part, my blog was very helpful to me to keep my spirits up. ^_^

Over the many months of writing this blog, my eyesight had gotten so bad that my writing and reading skills suffered greatly and I relied on a screen reader just to decipher my email messages from friends and family, to carry on with my blogging and reading the blogs of others. And yet, I was determined to stay positive and continue to write uplifting notes to myself via this blog. Thankfully, I was granted an option for my eye troubles, and I now experience excellent sight in my left eye due to a corneal transplant.

I was amazed and flattered that others liked and subscribed to my ramblings. I’m still amazed by that! I’m just a random woman with an eye disease on the planet and honestly didn’t set out to have readers or to meet the acquaintances that I have through this blog.

Anyway, I could use my platform to rant and rave about political nonsense, the negative of what is happening in my country today, but I don’t want to. So, I won’t. Instead, I will carry on with positive and hopeful notes to myself, reminders that even if the world burns around me, I’m going to be alright and persevere. So, that translates to a few posts in the coming years, however, it will also mean that my posts here will be more positive than negative I think. And that’s exactly what I want for this blog.

So, here’s a little story of what is positive for me thus far in 2017! ^o^/

I’m still struggling to stay quit with my smoking addiction, but I am not giving up on quitting cigarettes by far. I’ve made it to a month and three weeks smoke-free, before my last slip, so the clock has been reset and I’ve currently been five days smoke-free. I hope to make it to the month and three weeks mark again and then push forward to staying quit further than that. Wish me luck! ^_-

Picture: Shy anime girl.

The biggest happy story of 2017 is that I have managed to make a new best friend. I don’t want to put him on the spot so I won’t mention his name here, but I began chatting with him in June of 2016, almost a year ago. We don’t always see eye to eye, we debate sometimes, yet we hold a core respect for each other and care about each other’s well-being in general. It’s been a learning experience for me that it’s possible to have a close friendship and mutual respect for one another, in spite of differences in religious beliefs, politics, race, gender, sexuality, and other social views. For example, I’m Pro-Choice and he’s Pro-Life.

He has been the most caring, thoughtful, and encouraging friend I ever had in my entire life, if I’m to be honest and upfront about it. I think it’s because we both tend to focus more on what we have in common (and there are a plethora of things that we do have in common) rather than to focus on the few arbitrarily traits or ideas that we don’t have in common. So, there’s that. ^_^

I’m uncertain on how long this friendship may last, as my friendships tend not to last with others in general, but I am happy all the same that it did occur and I’ve learned so much more about true friendship from it. Our relationship has set a new set of positive expectations for what I want in a friendship with others and what I should be willing to give in return – tolerance and respect, for such positive friendships.

In other words, I’ve learned that disagreements and differences in views do not make or break a friendship. What matters the most is mutual respect for one another and each person trying their best to understand the other’s point of view or feelings. It doesn’t mean that I have to agree with the other, it means giving that person the respect to have their view or feelings, without calling them names or suggesting that they are insane or stupid for having them.

Being “right” or “winning” a debate is not more important than having a good relationship with another person. Winning is shallow at best, if I find that I’m alone with no one to celebrate such a victory with, then what have I really won? Absolutely nothing. Sometimes, it’s best to “agree to disagree” and leave the topic alone. My friend and I often have respectful debates and then move on the things that we both can agree on and cherish, like the fact that Jacksepticeye is the most boss YouTuber ever! ^w^

By all means, feel free to disagree with that last bit and substitute it for your favorite YouTuber, show, or music artist! It’s just a fandom that my best friend and I share, is all. Heehee!

Picture: Anime friendship.

Anyway, I shall end my rambling here, to get back to chatting with my new friend about anime, YouTubers, science, music, pets, and kickass movies like “John Wick”. And thanks to the new readers who’ve decided lately to subscribe to my ramblings. I do appreciate it! I’m honestly a little confused as to why anyone would want to subscribe to my rambles, but it’s awesome, all the same! ^o^/

Today’s song of the day: Darren Styles & Gammer – Feel Like This.

Thanks for reading as always, dear readers. Until next time, take care of yourselves and be excellent to each other. ^o^v


New Perspectives For 2017!

Picture: Anime girl with stars and butterflies.It’s a new year and I want to share a bit about my goals, health, and perspectives for 2017. I’m very happy with my life at this moment in time, however, there’s always room for more improvements and many other projects to try! ^o^/

First, let me update a bit about my issue with Keratoconus. I had stayed silent about it for months, mainly because people were confusing this blog’s main purpose to be a support group for those with the eye disease. It is NOT, it is my personal blog about my quest for achieving happiness in my life, in spite of having the eye disease. The main reason why I write this blog is to blabber about my goal in finding happiness and not linger too much on the hardships of living with Keratoconus.

OR some readers were using my personal story as the “cure” for their own disease, which disturbed me greatly because every case is different! What worked for me may not work for you. Again, I don’t want readers to take in my positive results and then storm the offices of their nearest ophthalmologist demanding a corneal transplant! It’s a highly invasive procedure and is performed for very severe stages of the disease, which was my case in early 2016.

I highly recommend that a person suffering from the disease seek out a direct specialist in the disease. Not all ophthalmologists are specialists or hold knowledge about every option for treating Keratoconus.  So, by all means, DO ask your doctor directly in what he or she specializes in!

Your personal case with Keratoconus may be wholly different from mine, as there are different stages of the disease and there’s no such thing as one treatment to cure all. In fact, there isn’t a cure for Keratoconus at this point in time, these treatments and procedures are just a temporary fix, to grant a bit of eyesight to those who are greatly visually impaired until an actual cure can be found!

That said… My eye specialist/surgeon met with me at Mayo Clinic, we talked for a long while and weighed my options, and we decided together that corneal transplant for my left eye was my best bet above any other procedure. And the choice has been a complete success for my particular case! ^_^

Why just my left eye? Well, the procedure cost a bit over $25,000 USD and my health insurance barely agreed to pay for that, including the separate costs for post-op visits to Mayo. I am not a famous writer, scientist, or video game developer yet, so I’m unable to purchase a corneal transplant for my right eye on my own. However, I’m greatly appreciative of my left eye, and I’m not complaining one bit!

Three times so far, I’ve had to upgrade the prescription of my glasses, because my eye has improved constantly over the months. I was afraid, each time, that the transplant no longer worked for me as my vision became a lot blurred again, not to the point of what it once was but I feared that my vision was regressing.  Instead, my doctor discovered that my current eyeglass prescription was just too strong for my eye and I needed a lower prescription. Whew! ;^_^>

For this reason, Dr. Maguire has insisted that the stitches around my transplant shall remain in place for a few months yet, as removing them too soon may cause some issues. The stitches look like this and no it’s not a photo of my actual eye – I’m too shy! Eye Stitches. I don’t feel them and they don’t bother me, so I don’t have a problem with waiting to have them removed.

I have another appointment to Mayo sometime this month, perhaps the stitches will be removed then or maybe I’ll gain yet another new eyeglass prescription. It’s a little annoying, making the trips back and forth to the local mall for new eyeglasses, however, it’s so very awesome that my eye is still improving for the better post-surgery! In the meanwhile, I’ve caught myself working for an hour online, before I’ve realized that I haven’t put on my glasses yet that morning.

My eyesight in my left eye has so much improved that I feel like my eye disease is not a huge weight on my shoulders right now, which frees up a lot of room for me to focus (pun attended!) on other things within my life’s journey.

I’m currently studying the science of genetics and chemistry, which I find super interesting, as much as my love of physics. And recently, my friend mentioned his love for philosophy, so I’ve been enjoying Hank Green’s Crash Course – Philosophy and learning a lot more about the subject than I had before. I learned that my personal philosophical view is called “Rule Utilitarianism” and bananas are now called “Chom Choms”.

Picture: Crash Course Chom ChomsThe second part is a bit of an inside joke, for those following the course. ^w^

As for writing, I still dabble in novels. However,  I did download the Unity Engine, as I will try my hand at coding/writing more advanced video games beyond the RPG Maker scene. That is… if I can manage to pry myself away from The Sims 4 long enough to actually open the Unity program to see what’s what. Heehee!

Socially and mentally, I’m working on my issues in therapy, concerning difficulties in socializing with others, social anxiety, and PTSD. I did hit a spike of depression during November 2016 (It was a rough year for a lot of people…), but now the black dog has been settled again. I enjoyed my Christmas with my sister, roommate, and a new friend.

I am looking forward to this New Year, with so many new paths for me to travel and discover ahead of me. Here’s a song for you: “Shona” by Jake Chudnow. Thanks for reading, dear reader, as always! Happy New Year! ^o^/


It’s Okay To Say Goodbye

Picture: Anime goodbye.2016 has been a very bizarre year, to say the least. So many good artists have passed on, some personal loved ones have died this year for others, and saying goodbye is never an easy thing for me to do. No matter if it’s the death of a loved one or the ending of what was once a close relationship.

In 2016, I’ve had to say goodbye to some toxic relationships. So, I wish to blog about it a little, for a little prosperity.

I did write a previous post about this subject before, The People I Will Meet, however, I feel compelled to update that I no longer view some people in my past as “roaches”. That was a tad harsh of 2014 Dani, but I kept the post as an honest expression of myself way back when. People do change and grow with time, learn from their mistakes, and continue forward. At least, I DO, after all. ;^_^>

In spite of that harsh criticism about my past abusers, the bulk of that post still rings true for me. I do wish for my time with others to last forever and ever, yet in life, such expectations are highly unreasonable. At some point, the party within any relationship is going to end, either by a death or two people simply growing apart from each other. It’s not such a grim fact to me anymore, I just accept it as a part of Life.

To quote a beloved Minnesotan, “Life is just a party and parties weren’t meant to last.” – Prince Rogers Nelson.

Over this last year, I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching about those in my past, those within my present, and those from my past who are within my current present. I began to reconcile with the positive experiences that I did share with everyone, the moments where they taught me something important, and the moments where they made me smile and feel safe.

I didn’t allow myself to just rest on the “good bits” but to remember why the relationships had ended or currently ended in the first place. I was able to keep the fond memories that I had shared with them, yet not fall into a trap of missing them or wishing that they would return back into my life. A lot of these individuals are a lot sick and are not good for me. I’m pretty sure that they’re not good for anyone, at this point, not even themselves.

Picture: anime girl releases birds from a cage.

Yet, I have somehow freed my heart of any bitterness I held for the shadows within my past. I am able to move on, the memory of my past abusers are slowly fading from me, and I feel renewed in my life. I guess this is what true forgiveness is all about. It doesn’t mean that I have to ever trust that person or allow them back into my life, not at all, it means that I am making a conscious choice to not let the pain of the past linger nor control me any longer.

I took it a step further and extended it to past friendships that were good for a very long time until we grew apart. The friendships often ended over something silly, like the other person couldn’t handle the fact that I’m not strictly heterosexual or they hated my chosen religion at the time (Pagan). So, they called it quits and told me to take a hike! I felt so much hurt over those situations and harbored such bitterness against them, that I use to deny every good memory I had shared with them. I don’t do that anymore, I will openly speak about the good experiences in past friendships now, even though the friendships have long ended over stupid reasons.

I remembered my old stance that some people aren’t meant to stay in my life forever, or even for a very long time. It would be nice if a friend would remain a friend from high-school until we’re both old and gray, only ending when one of us dies of natural causes, but it’s highly unreasonable for me to expect such a special and rare friendship with every person I cross paths with.

As it is, I’m young and haven’t met that many people in my life (really, a few hundred people aren’t that many! ^w^), so I have time to meet more people and start new relationships. The world hasn’t run out of people yet! I’ve come to the strong realization that some people are meant to come into my life for a little while, then flutter off. And vice versa, I may stumble into someone life, but there’s a good chance that I shall flutter off later on. And that’s okay! ^_^

I’ve had to say goodbye to a few friendships earlier this year and it’s not because of death or illness, thank goodness. Nor was it over anything trite like politics, my sexual orientation, or my current state of religious belief (I’m wholly Agnostic, these days!). It was because the relationships became a lot selfish, thoughtless, and disruptive to my overall well being or life. I understand that the persons involved are not mentally well and refuses (for one reason or another) to seek professional help for their illnesses. I’m not saying that they are a bad people, they’re not at all. However, they’re too sick right now to respect my boundaries or to care about anyone else besides themselves. In order to keep myself safe and healthy, I was forced to say goodbye to them.

I did feel hurt when I had a very major corneal surgery in February of this year, yet none of them seemed to care to give encouragement nor well wishes. Not even on Facebook. Which would have been fine, but two days directly after my surgery, they saw it fit to contact me and dump their dramas at my feet. Even when I had explained that I was trying to recover from the surgery, that I wasn’t up for such drama, they refused to acknowledge my surgery or to agree that I needed time to heal and couldn’t play “therapist” to them.

I don’t wish to play therapist for anyone, not at all. It’s not fun, I’m not qualified, and I must see a therapist for my issues because this forced role is not a two-way street. In other words, I’m never allowed to dump my issues on them, as they’re suddenly “too busy” or quickly change the subject back to their issues. Even when it’s something as important as venting my fears concerning a surgery to restore my eyesight, they couldn’t be bothered with it. Not only did it happened with the eye surgery, but it was a repeat of this attitude for the two other surgeries I went through this year.

And I do understand, perhaps they’re too caught up in their own illnesses that they can’t be a friend to anyone and can only selfishly care about themselves. However, it’s not okay for them to have the expectation that I should sacrifice my sleep, my recovery time, my peace of mind, and spend time out of my life to cater to their issues. It’s unfair and highly unreasonable!

Picture: Fruits Basket - Tohtu, Momiji, and Haru.I’m not bitter nor spiteful against these people because I was not alone with such huge transitions within my life, I wasn’t completely abandoned in my time of need.

My therapist very much worried and expressed a lot of good luck to me. She even offered to pray for my surgery going well, then she winced, “Wait… is that weird to offer?” I gave her a bewildered glance and nodded slowly, “Yes… it’s a little bit weird.”, as I am agnostic. She then smirked, “Well, I want to try everything, to make sure your surgery is a success! It couldn’t hurt!” And we both chuckled. Weird or not, her gesture was very much heartwarming and appreciated!

With my eye surgery, my roommate was the one to take days off from work, in order to ensure that I make it to every pre-op appointment, the surgery, and post-op appointments. And she was the one with the mad skills to drive us through the blizzard, on the day of my surgery. She got us there and back home alive! I’ll always be thankful for her kindness and bravery!

My hairstylist hugged me and wished me all the best, after doing my hair so expertly, a few days before my operation. She was worried but was very hopeful that everything would work out for me. And three internet pals wished me luck, either on my blog itself or in private messenger on Twitter. My new friend, Allan, kept me company in messages during my three-day stay in the hospital after my myomectomy. I am thankful!

Most importantly, my sister was by my side during the whole experience, up until they wheeled me away to the operating room, all three times. For every appointment and surgery, she was there to help me through the crowds, to speak with the doctors (when I was too afraid to do so), and she was sitting by my bed when I woke up after the surgeries. She even bought me two stuffed animals from the gift shop, which I wasn’t expecting at all, but dearly cherish. I do have the best sister in the world! I’ll fight anyone on that! =p

Even my oldest brother, whom I haven’t chatted with for years, made a call to me on the day that I returned home from my eye surgery. He wanted to know how I was feeling and, although I was a bit loopy on painkillers, I assured him that everything was fine and it seemed that the surgery was a success. We discussed the medications (eye drops – Prednisolone) that I still have to take daily and he sounded relieved that I was okay.

That said… I was not alone during that time, I had a community of people who cared about me. And I care for everyone in return! I may not have had any “best friends” at this point in my life, but I was not alone. So, I can’t bring myself to hate the people that I had to say farewell to this year because they’re not bad people. They’re just sick and very selfish right now.

I will not continue to be hurt by their thoughtless actions nor to accept their pushy attitudes that I MUST listen to their dramas, with an additional emotional blackmail that they won’t speak to me unless I do what they want from me. I no longer accept the script of putting my emotions, my health, and my well-being second in order to hold onto people or to claim that I have friendships. So, it was time for us to say our goodbyes.

I do wish them all the best and if we should never meet again much later in life, that’s okay too. I’ll always keep the good memories that I’ve shared with them and appreciate the great lessons they’ve taught me in the past. However, if they’re looking for things to remain the same toxic set-up of before, it’s best that they should sod off and never return! Life is just too short for anything less than happiness. And, “ain’t nobody got time for that“! Heehee!

This year was one of healing and rebirth for me, I think. And this haunting tune comes to mind because I’m such a nerd: Doctor Who – Doomsday Theme. Goodbye, Rose. ^w^

Thanks for reading, as always. And I wish everyone a Happy New Year! Be safe! ^_-