Category Archives: Lessons

Thing I’ve learned so far.

Surviving Politics

Picture: anime blue haired girl
Yuumei.deviantart.com

Hey, dear readers. ^_^

I had hoped to avoid the orange elephant in the room for as long as possible, ever since the November 2016 US Election. This is a blog about finding happiness and there’s hardly any happiness to be found within politics. Especially with the recent drop in my country’s democracies, freedoms, and overall morality under the helm of the current Administration.

First of all, I’d like to explain that I’m neither Republican or Democrat. I’m Independent and a casual observer of politics, and have voted in the last three elections, which includes 2016. I’ve been an Independent ever since the Bush Administration. I’ve written letters of complaint and concerns of my community to Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and Barack Obama in the past. I’m not interested in political teams, but in fairness for the majority of American citizens and upholding our US Constitution and freedoms for ALL.

And, unfortunately, calling out this current Administration in any way causes its supporters/fans to go wild with indignation. The keyboard warriors in support of “Dear Leader” are often poorly educated people that have learned a logical fallacy term, in “Word Of The Day”-like fashion: Ad Hominem. They honestly argue, “You’ve used an Ad Hominem! That means your point is invalid! You’ve just opted out of the argument! Bahahaha!” and rally-cry this to ad nauseam. Hmm.

The problem with their argument is, that the Electoral College appointed POTUS is the King of Ad Hominem, so they’ve just “logic” themselves into a corner of making the argument that most of what this current Administration says is invalid and he has opted out of America’s and the rest of the world’s discussions and debates.

And I can’t help but agree with that notion, to be honest, as most of what the current POTUS says is invalid or devoid of any reality or sanity. Yes, he has opted out of any discussions held by the majority of American citizens or any discussions held by other countries or allies with America. He has deemed anything that he doesn’t agree with as “Fake news!” However, he’s not simply inept because he uses insults in his arguments, it’s because he uses lies and alternative facts/reality to further his own greedy agendas.

Since the supporters/fans of the current Administration insist on making Ad Hominem into an internet meme, rather than use the term correctly in debates and learn the other logical fallacies that accompany it (Here’s a good one, for example, The Fallacy Fallacy), I shall respond with an internet meme in return. Cue in Zoidberg!

Picture: Zoidberg Meme

 

“Your Administration is bad! And you should feel bad!”

 

However, this is not a post meant to rehash over the political nightmare of America, but a reason to share my list of how I try to retain my happiness within a country hijacked by a minority base of deplorable types and insanity. I hope this list can be helpful to the MAJORITY of Americans who can honestly respond to my ramblings with “I feel you, dawg”. ^_^

Step One: I’m on a 96% political and news media blackout. Six months into following every news update and vile tweet, I noticed that my mental health was declining rapidly. My depression and anxiety issues were soaring to the max, which concerned my therapist and myself.

So, I opted out of following the news and avoid clicking politically charged headlines online. I will check in from time to time, mostly for updates of Special Council Robert Mueller’s findings, but my political consumption is down to few reports once every couple of weeks or so.

In the meanwhile, I’ve tasked my family and friends to alert me of important things in the news. Such as current natural disasters, the death of artists, important community events, and so on. Or to alert me of a moment when America is at war with North Korea, China, Russia, Mexico… *takes a breath* The Middle East, The UK, India, Japan, Germany, South America, France, Australia, Isreal, Canada, Africa… Whew… At this point, I think our POTUS is just knocking at every door, in a sing-song, “Will you come outside and play war with me? PLEASE???” ;u_u

Step Two: I focus on my own health goals. Although my corneal transplant has been a huge success, I have other health issues to work on, a few other surgeries I must face (removing non-cancerous tumors) and feeling okay within my own body. I bought a Mi-fit (discount Fitbit) to work on my daily steps and started a new healthy diet, in an attempt to gain a model’s figure… Nah! Not really, but it couldn’t hurt for me to lose thirty pounds. And, I’ve been 221 Days without a cigarette! ^o^/

Step Three: Learn new things! My favorite topic is SCIENCE! However, I try to keep a keen eye open for other data, like world history, music production, game developing, or simply learning about another culture and lifestyle outside of my own. I sometimes delve into philosophy with my best friend or learn a new word in another language. It’s nice to stay educated and to keep learning.

Step Four: To have fun and to be silly! I enjoy long sessions of laughter with my sister and best friend, trading jokes or witty retorts for hours. I enjoy funny videos online and comedy shows. And adding a bit of humor to my blog posts.

Wink! ^_-

Memes can be a lot of fun to share with friends! I’m memelord trash, by the way, and I claim it with a sense of pride as well. Yes, I allow myself to be childish sometimes, staying up late to play a video game or binge-watching Netflix (I definitely suggest “Bates Motel”, it’s completely binge-worthy!). To quote a famous Doctor, “There’s no point being a grown-up if you can’t be childish sometimes.”

Step Five: ??? Profit! (Sorry! I just had to! ^o^/)

Step Six: Following my passions! And for me, personally, that means writing. I’m currently writing a romance/erotica series that I started in the spring of 2017, a full 90,000+ word novel each. I’m writing book number four, as of yet. I’m not sure if I’ll publish the series or not, I wrote it for my own enjoyment. However, if I do decide to publish the novels, I’ll most likely send it to Harlequin Books for review or something along those lines.

The point is, I’ve decided to spend my time immersed in something wholeheartedly enjoyable and passionate to me, rather than to focus too much on the negative going-ons in my country of late. And it has worked wonders in keeping my depression and anxiety levels low to moderate.

Picture: Anime girl traveling.

I’ll definitely vote again in the next elections, for whatever worth that will do but, for now, I’ve chosen to ignore a rather boisterous and oppressive regime, to stay calm and carry on with my quest for happiness.

Song for today’s post: Furious 2 by Niklas Gustavsson.

Thanks for reading my usual ramblings, as always! Be excellent to each other and take care! ^o^/

– D

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Another Kind Of PSA?

Picture: Blue haired anime girl.Hello, dear readers. ^_^

It’s been a while since my last post. I have a personal story that I’d like to share with you about my past and a little idea lately…

When I was a young teen, I had a best friend in Philadelphia that was around my age, a lesbian girl who knew of and accepted the fact of my bisexuality. We had known each other since we were just little girls but, in our adolescence, we pretty much came out of the closet to each other.

In that moment, I felt such a relief that I wasn’t alone, as we both lived in a very conservative community that was super religious and outspoken against homosexuality.  The ministers of our church would often preach about how homosexuals were going to be tortured in the fires of hell for all eternity.

We had both witnessed a minister’s family in our neighborhood toss their eighteen-year-old daughter into the streets because she confessed to them that she was a lesbian. The other neighbors gossiped about the event and they felt sorry for the parents for having a gay child, giving them their condolences and offering prayers that their daughter would “come away from that evil lifestyle.”

My own mother sat me and my sister down, to talk about the incident, and to tell us that if we were to commit a crime, or become teen mothers, or get into any trouble she would always be there for us and love us regardless. Except if we were gay. If we “decided” to be that, she said it would be an unforgivable embarrassment to her and she would do the same as the parents of the lesbian eighteen-year-old.

I knew that I was bisexual since the age of twelve, at a time where homosexuality was not really accepted in the media and so forth, and her warning came to me around the age of fifteen. I felt horrified and buried the truth deep down inside of me until my best friend confessed that she was lesbian.

Picture: anime girls hugging.My best friend was so afraid when she told me that she is lesbian, because she thought I wouldn’t want to be her friend anymore. I was so relieved and told her about my bisexuality, welcoming her with open arms, and our friendship seemed to grow closer since that moment.

However, my lesbian best friend decided to come out of the closet to everyone in her life. I admired and envied her courage to do that, but I was a coward and couldn’t follow in her footsteps. I witnessed the abuse she had gained from it, both verbal and physical abuse.

People often approached her and shouted “dyke” and people would fight her, leaving bruises and black eyes. She was determined to be herself and she was a scrappy fighter, giving it back as good as she got it. I was just a shy and weak wallflower that had zero skills in fighting, so I hid in my closet for several years and began to hate myself. I believed that I was “born wrong” and fell into deep depression, which led to many suicide attempts and inpatient stays in mental hospitals.

I carry a guilt of lashing out towards my best friend, as a church woman that didn’t know of her sexuality approached us and was especially kind to her. The woman mentioned how much my best friend was a good friend to me and how my best friend was certain to enter the kingdom of heaven for her good deeds.

I blurted, out of spite, “She’s gay and so that’s not true.” I put my best friend on the spot and the woman responded with a disgusted frown, but then tried to assure my best friend, “If you come away from that lifestyle, I’m sure that God will forgive you. And you will be able to go to heaven.”

I will forever be so sorry for what I’ve done to my friend. I was so angry and hated myself, and I was so jealous that she got to be free from her closet, in spite of the abuse she had suffered, to have the support and friendships within the gay community when I was too much of a coward to come out. I wanted to hurt her and I think I did on that day.

And even so, she stayed true to our friendship and never exposed my truth. I never got the chance to apologize to her, before I left Philly, and I hope that someday I will get that chance somehow. I did a very shitty thing and I’m so very sorry for it. u_u

In the meanwhile, I fell deeper into my depression and self-hatred, the suicide attempts increased. Out of sheer luck did every attempt fail, as I was determined to die and rid this world of a mistake. I truly thought of myself as not human but a mistake.

And then a wonderful PSA began to show up in my online feed: It Gets Better.

At the age of 21, I gave up my secret and came out to the people that I felt was important in my life. My mother didn’t take the news very well, most of my other so-called friends abandoned me, only my siblings and oldest nephew accepted me with unconditional love. It was a tough road to travel, but my self-hatred and depression began to lessen from that point on.

I’m now currently age 36, at the moment of this post, and I completely accept and love myself as a bisexual woman. I still struggle with depression, anxiety, and PTSD, due the abuse and trauma I had suffered – not related to my sexuality per se. I’m currently under the care of a very good therapist, in my new wonderful life in Minnesota, and I’m on the right path to recovery.

However, in the wake of the recent suicides of music artists, it does rattle me that so many people in this world who suffer from mental illness are left without hope that things can get better for them. There is no PSA for those living with mental illness to suggest that “It will get better” for them.

The PSAs for the LGBTQ+ community was very helpful to my life and good therapy has been overwhelmingly helpful to my mental illness. I have learned that it does indeed get better within mental illness, with a lot of effort and hard work with the proper help.

I am thinking that perhaps it’s time for mental illness to be understood and to be taken from the shadows and brought into the light, to let those who suffer with it know that they’re not alone and it can get better for them on the same level it is for sexual orientation.

It’s a just a little idea, but I wanted to share it anyway. ^_^

For all those who suffer from mental illness, you’re not alone. There are plenty of people who are willing to help, you don’t have to suffer by yourself! If you don’t have a friend or relative that you can turn to, there are places you can reach out to for help: Get Help. I reached out to my medical doctor, told her that I was feeling very depressed, and she referred me to my current awesome therapist of three years.

When I first moved to Minnesota, I felt my depression returning and thoughts of suicide again. I reached out to my medical doctor, three years ago, and told her that I was feeling very depressed. She referred me to my current awesome therapist, thus my depression is mild and manageable these days.

I can promise you, that it does get better. It’s very difficult, but when you come out on the other side of it, life is so very beautiful and has SO much to offer to you.

Picture: blue anime girl with dove.

Song of the day: Linkin Park – Iridescent.

Thanks for reading, as always. And be excellent to each other. ^o^v

-D

Rest in peace, Chester Bennington. Your music was always a companion to me on my most difficult days. I will surely miss you! (つ﹏<)・゚。

It’s Okay To Say Goodbye

Picture: Anime goodbye.2016 has been a very bizarre year, to say the least. So many good artists have passed on, some personal loved ones have died this year for others, and saying goodbye is never an easy thing for me to do. No matter if it’s the death of a loved one or the ending of what was once a close relationship.

In 2016, I’ve had to say goodbye to some toxic relationships. So, I wish to blog about it a little, for a little prosperity.

I did write a previous post about this subject before, The People I Will Meet, however, I feel compelled to update that I no longer view some people in my past as “roaches”. That was a tad harsh of 2014 Dani, but I kept the post as an honest expression of myself way back when. People do change and grow with time, learn from their mistakes, and continue forward. At least, I DO, after all. ;^_^>

In spite of that harsh criticism about my past abusers, the bulk of that post still rings true for me. I do wish for my time with others to last forever and ever, yet in life, such expectations are highly unreasonable. At some point, the party within any relationship is going to end, either by a death or two people simply growing apart from each other. It’s not such a grim fact to me anymore, I just accept it as a part of Life.

To quote a beloved Minnesotan, “Life is just a party and parties weren’t meant to last.” – Prince Rogers Nelson.

Over this last year, I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching about those in my past, those within my present, and those from my past who are within my current present. I began to reconcile with the positive experiences that I did share with everyone, the moments where they taught me something important, and the moments where they made me smile and feel safe.

I didn’t allow myself to just rest on the “good bits” but to remember why the relationships had ended or currently ended in the first place. I was able to keep the fond memories that I had shared with them, yet not fall into a trap of missing them or wishing that they would return back into my life. A lot of these individuals are a lot sick and are not good for me. I’m pretty sure that they’re not good for anyone, at this point, not even themselves.

Picture: anime girl releases birds from a cage.

Yet, I have somehow freed my heart of any bitterness I held for the shadows within my past. I am able to move on, the memory of my past abusers are slowly fading from me, and I feel renewed in my life. I guess this is what true forgiveness is all about. It doesn’t mean that I have to ever trust that person or allow them back into my life, not at all, it means that I am making a conscious choice to not let the pain of the past linger nor control me any longer.

I took it a step further and extended it to past friendships that were good for a very long time until we grew apart. The friendships often ended over something silly, like the other person couldn’t handle the fact that I’m not strictly heterosexual or they hated my chosen religion at the time (Pagan). So, they called it quits and told me to take a hike! I felt so much hurt over those situations and harbored such bitterness against them, that I use to deny every good memory I had shared with them. I don’t do that anymore, I will openly speak about the good experiences in past friendships now, even though the friendships have long ended over stupid reasons.

I remembered my old stance that some people aren’t meant to stay in my life forever, or even for a very long time. It would be nice if a friend would remain a friend from high-school until we’re both old and gray, only ending when one of us dies of natural causes, but it’s highly unreasonable for me to expect such a special and rare friendship with every person I cross paths with.

As it is, I’m young and haven’t met that many people in my life (really, a few hundred people aren’t that many! ^w^), so I have time to meet more people and start new relationships. The world hasn’t run out of people yet! I’ve come to the strong realization that some people are meant to come into my life for a little while, then flutter off. And vice versa, I may stumble into someone life, but there’s a good chance that I shall flutter off later on. And that’s okay! ^_^

I’ve had to say goodbye to a few friendships earlier this year and it’s not because of death or illness, thank goodness. Nor was it over anything trite like politics, my sexual orientation, or my current state of religious belief (I’m wholly Agnostic, these days!). It was because the relationships became a lot selfish, thoughtless, and disruptive to my overall well being or life. I understand that the persons involved are not mentally well and refuses (for one reason or another) to seek professional help for their illnesses. I’m not saying that they are a bad people, they’re not at all. However, they’re too sick right now to respect my boundaries or to care about anyone else besides themselves. In order to keep myself safe and healthy, I was forced to say goodbye to them.

I did feel hurt when I had a very major corneal surgery in February of this year, yet none of them seemed to care to give encouragement nor well wishes. Not even on Facebook. Which would have been fine, but two days directly after my surgery, they saw it fit to contact me and dump their dramas at my feet. Even when I had explained that I was trying to recover from the surgery, that I wasn’t up for such drama, they refused to acknowledge my surgery or to agree that I needed time to heal and couldn’t play “therapist” to them.

I don’t wish to play therapist for anyone, not at all. It’s not fun, I’m not qualified, and I must see a therapist for my issues because this forced role is not a two-way street. In other words, I’m never allowed to dump my issues on them, as they’re suddenly “too busy” or quickly change the subject back to their issues. Even when it’s something as important as venting my fears concerning a surgery to restore my eyesight, they couldn’t be bothered with it. Not only did it happened with the eye surgery, but it was a repeat of this attitude for the two other surgeries I went through this year.

And I do understand, perhaps they’re too caught up in their own illnesses that they can’t be a friend to anyone and can only selfishly care about themselves. However, it’s not okay for them to have the expectation that I should sacrifice my sleep, my recovery time, my peace of mind, and spend time out of my life to cater to their issues. It’s unfair and highly unreasonable!

Picture: Fruits Basket - Tohtu, Momiji, and Haru.I’m not bitter nor spiteful against these people because I was not alone with such huge transitions within my life, I wasn’t completely abandoned in my time of need.

My therapist very much worried and expressed a lot of good luck to me. She even offered to pray for my surgery going well, then she winced, “Wait… is that weird to offer?” I gave her a bewildered glance and nodded slowly, “Yes… it’s a little bit weird.”, as I am agnostic. She then smirked, “Well, I want to try everything, to make sure your surgery is a success! It couldn’t hurt!” And we both chuckled. Weird or not, her gesture was very much heartwarming and appreciated!

With my eye surgery, my roommate was the one to take days off from work, in order to ensure that I make it to every pre-op appointment, the surgery, and post-op appointments. And she was the one with the mad skills to drive us through the blizzard, on the day of my surgery. She got us there and back home alive! I’ll always be thankful for her kindness and bravery!

My hairstylist hugged me and wished me all the best, after doing my hair so expertly, a few days before my operation. She was worried but was very hopeful that everything would work out for me. And three internet pals wished me luck, either on my blog itself or in private messenger on Twitter. My new friend, Allan, kept me company in messages during my three-day stay in the hospital after my myomectomy. I am thankful!

Most importantly, my sister was by my side during the whole experience, up until they wheeled me away to the operating room, all three times. For every appointment and surgery, she was there to help me through the crowds, to speak with the doctors (when I was too afraid to do so), and she was sitting by my bed when I woke up after the surgeries. She even bought me two stuffed animals from the gift shop, which I wasn’t expecting at all, but dearly cherish. I do have the best sister in the world! I’ll fight anyone on that! =p

Even my oldest brother, whom I haven’t chatted with for years, made a call to me on the day that I returned home from my eye surgery. He wanted to know how I was feeling and, although I was a bit loopy on painkillers, I assured him that everything was fine and it seemed that the surgery was a success. We discussed the medications (eye drops – Prednisolone) that I still have to take daily and he sounded relieved that I was okay.

That said… I was not alone during that time, I had a community of people who cared about me. And I care for everyone in return! I may not have had any “best friends” at this point in my life, but I was not alone. So, I can’t bring myself to hate the people that I had to say farewell to this year because they’re not bad people. They’re just sick and very selfish right now.

I will not continue to be hurt by their thoughtless actions nor to accept their pushy attitudes that I MUST listen to their dramas, with an additional emotional blackmail that they won’t speak to me unless I do what they want from me. I no longer accept the script of putting my emotions, my health, and my well-being second in order to hold onto people or to claim that I have friendships. So, it was time for us to say our goodbyes.

I do wish them all the best and if we should never meet again much later in life, that’s okay too. I’ll always keep the good memories that I’ve shared with them and appreciate the great lessons they’ve taught me in the past. However, if they’re looking for things to remain the same toxic set-up of before, it’s best that they should sod off and never return! Life is just too short for anything less than happiness. And, “ain’t nobody got time for that“! Heehee!

This year was one of healing and rebirth for me, I think. And this haunting tune comes to mind because I’m such a nerd: Doctor Who – Doomsday Theme. Goodbye, Rose. ^w^

Thanks for reading, as always. And I wish everyone a Happy New Year! Be safe! ^_-

-D

Happiness Is…

Picture: Hatsune Miku smile.I’m still in the middle of creating an awesome RPG Maker game, however, I’ve realized I haven’t stopped in a while to blog. Oops!

So, today, I’ve decided to take a moment and share what I feel is true happiness in my life, thus far. ^_^

Keep in mind, this is what happiness means to me personally. It’s not a dictation of what happiness should be for everyone else, as it’s different for different people. Without further ado, here’s my little list within my “Quest For Happiness”.

“Happiness is…”

1.) Resting peacefully – It’s rare that I lie my head down on my pillow, with turmoil in my heart or mind, anymore. When I choose to sleep at night (or day, as a lifetime night-owl, I tend to keep odd hours), I’m usually at peace and sleep is just a part of a natural function for me. This wasn’t always the case, as I used to cry myself to sleep or collapse into it so very emotionally drained. It’s nice to visit dreamland without burden. I enjoy my eight or nine hours of sleep until it’s time to open my eyes again.

2.) Opening my eyes again – Besides the fact that I’m alive and get to face another wonderful day of living, the best part of opening my eyes after sleep is the fact that I can see! No longer do I have to worry about running into walls or doors, or stumbling down stairs. I love it when I can turn on my computer in the early mornings (or 2am, most times) and simply read my emails or read today’s science articles without assistance. This was not possible for three years, before my corneal transplant, not at all. I enjoy the confidence of being able to read anything from a book, magazine, online article, or medical release forms. This makes me feel very happy!

3.) Creativity and Learning – Although, I would argue that both concepts are not necessarily exclusive from each other. I am writing and coding video games, which takes a lot of creativity and imagination. However, I’m often learning new gaming mechanics and styles in the process. It’s just too much fun when I run across a new code or feature that I can implement into my project. The best reward is when I have a great idea for a scene, yet I’m unsure how to create it with the coding I’ve already learned, then I work tirelessly for a few hours to figure it out and thus learning something new altogether. It’s beyond awesome!

4.) Self Esteem – I will admit that for most of my life, I had lacked self-esteem. There was always some other person trying to convince me that who I am as a person is wrong or it needs to be “fixed”. I am who I am, I like me, and I believe that I’m awesome. I’m not perfect, no one on this planet is, those who claim it or either lying or lying to themselves. However, I’m not a bad woman, and I’m a wonderful well-rounded individual.  I honestly cannot be bothered with those who may not like nor accept me for who I am.

5.) Meeting new people – I’ve met so many new cool people over the following years. Not everyone is meant to be my new “BFF” or whatever, but I so do enjoy chatting with interesting new people and sharing thoughts/ideas. It’s a joy to meet fellow science nerds , video gamers, or anime geeks. It makes me smile! ^_^

6.) Spending time with true friends – I happen to have a very awesome roommate and the best sister on the planet. I enjoy hanging out and going to the cinema with them. I enjoy visiting Mrs. Mary’s salon, every month, to chat with her and to get an awesome haircut. I appreciate the help, encouragement, and support of my therapist, who feels more like a friend than anything else. Yes, she sometimes feels like a real mother to me as well, because she often nags me in the right direction. Heehee! She worries about any medical procedure I may have to face (she was a huge support before and after my eye surgery) and asks eagerly, “How did it go?”.

Spending time with people who I don’t doubt for a second care about me and will cover my six, and I will and do cover theirs, renews my spirit and affords me great happiness.

Picture: Happy Spinning Girl.

This is my list thus far, however, I don’t plan to stop there. I wish to try more things, experience more, and learn more. However, what I’ve learned in my journey thus far is, true happiness is not a thing that one can passively sit idly by and wish for. It takes effort and hard work to gain it. Most of all, it cannot be a thing achieved when one is weighed down by toxic people: those who put you down or others, are always negative, and bring nothing but drama in your life.

Toxic people are not fit to be in my life, whatsoever, and I don’t abide them anymore. I don’t believe I would have achieved my level of happiness if I had continued to hold onto such people.

Anyhoo… I’ll bugger off once again, to become lost in coding and such. Today’s song is: Au5 – Guardians. As always, thanks for reading dear readers! I wish you a very awesome day! ^o^v

-D

Change Should Be Inevitable

Picture: anime girl changeFor the past three years, my life have been through so many different changes, mostly for the better. However, when I started my journey, I was so very terrified, lost, and unsure if the risks that I was taking would result in a better or worse outcome for me. I’m not a brave person, but I was simply faced with only two choices: Make a change OR parish in my old city of Philadelphia.

I have been a long time sufferer of depression, social anxiety disorder, PTSD, and a bit of OCD starting from age six. Some of my mental struggles are the direct results of my abusive childhood, a few happened through past physical traumas within my early adulthood, and I have slight OCD which had occurred as a child in response to my often chaotic upbringing.

I often keep everything in order, I have a place for everything and everything is in its place, as a way of overcompensating for the chaos within my childhood until my late twenties. I had no power over the past dire situations that had happened to my loved ones or to myself, within random acts of violence, death, financial loss, and so on. Keeping my toys, clothing, books, and other various items in order was my sort of coping mechanism. Or so, this is the professional opinion of my therapist, which I do agree with.

When some item is out of place or not where I have designated it to be, I do become a lot frustrated, irritable, and in extreme moments I will experience a panic attack or cry about it. It’s a sign of my six year old self, still struggling to make sense and manufacture consistency within my world, in spite of the fact that I am fully grown adult now.

There’s a slight suspicion that I may fall within the “high-functioning” autistic spectrum, but that’s just speculation, as I’m too nervous to seek another trained professional to find out. My current therapist is not trained in autism, but she did suggest that I check that out with another therapist. The problem is, it took a lot of guts for me to visit the clinic to meet with her, in the first place. I don’t have to be officially diagnosed with something else, on top of my many other officially diagnosed mental issues, so I’ll leave that one for much later.

Don’t worry, I do have a very important reason why I’m sharing a bit of my personal information on this very public blog… I’m making a point that change for a person like me is none too easy and can feel almost impossible at times! However… I’ve done the impossible, many times and in many ways. So, I want to share that story, in celebration of my eight years officially on WordPress! ^_^

To clarify, it’s not that Philadelphia is the worse place on the planet, as I’m betting that people who live in or around war-zones in other countries have it much worse. My old city was a home to a lot of celebrities (operative word is “was”, ahem.), it had a lot of nice sights, conventions, and caters to the creative crowd (art, dance, music, photography, writing, directing, etc.). However, it’s a city that suffers with a high crime rate/murders, poverty, drug and alcohol abuse.

Picture: Tohru sad.For example, when my nephew was murdered in 2012, I had to wade through over twenty murder reports which had occurred that night, in order to find out what had happened to him… And all of those reports were of incidents that had happened in the same block radius on that specific night; men, women, and children! Many people had died that night, not just my nephew, sadly. I believe that it’s the lack of jobs, a massive influx of drug abuse and dealing, gangs, lack of education and resources that causes this deadly issue in Philadelphia.

Minnesota have jobs, opportunities, no gangs, and is a state that’s very big on education. In Philly, you couldn’t throw a shoe without hitting either a bar or church. In Minnesota, you’ll hit an university or job center with that same shoe toss. It seems to have made all of the difference here, as the crime rate and murders are WAY below anything I’ve ever experienced in my old city. I feel completely safe in my current small town, which is a feeling that I had never experienced before in my life.

However… moving to Minnesota was not so easy for me, as a person that had left her home only once every couple of months. I never been on an airplane before, nor experienced walking the huge terminals of an airport. I didn’t even own a suitcase, as I had never traveled too far from my city, only to New Jersey or Delaware to visit relatives. New York was just an hour away from where I had once lived, and I had always daydreamed about visiting it but never did, as I was too afraid to travel that far.

So… Minnesota is located 1,323.6 miles from Philadelphia. To put that in perspective, that’s an over twenty hour car ride! Luckily, I traveled by planes (one layover in Georgia), but it took a better part of the day for me to get here. I left Philly in the morning and I landed in Minnesota by early evening. I had experienced so many firsts, that day: First time traveling far away from home, first time flying, my first night in a strange new town, my first night in a strange new house, my first time sleeping on an air mattress (until I could buy a new bed), and my first time meeting new people (my roommate and her friends).

The flights were awesome and I enjoyed it… A LOT. However, the other bits were terrifying for me. I cried and had panic attacks every other day. It was so very new and my world had changed dramatically, everything was not in its place and I hadn’t yet figure out a place for everything. I honestly wanted to return back to the hell that I had escaped from, only because it was familiar and I felt that it wouldn’t be as scary/hard.

I would have “nightmares” that I was trying to get back home in Philadelphia, but couldn’t find it, no matter how hard I searched for the old house. This would put me in such a depressive state when I woke up the next morning, only to find that I was in some stranger’s home and sleeping on a crappy air mattress. The depression and anxiety became so very bad and lingered for my first months in Minnesota. That’s when I decided to see a therapist.

After three months of therapy, I began to settle in and find a place for everything. I got rid of the air mattress and purchased a nice memory-foam one. I slowly began to feel like I could belong in this small town in Minnesota. And I met a very cool hairstylist, which I visit her once a month! When I had learned that my new town have so many educational opportunities within it, very prestigious universities, I made a new goal of becoming better within my anxiety so that I may attend one of them someday.

Picture: anime girl waking up from a nightmare.My “nightmare” has changed, sometimes I dream that I’m back in that old house in Philadelphia, but I do not wish to stay. When I try to leave, in order to fly back to my real home in Minnesota, the windows and doors of the old house grow bars, imprisoning me forever. In the nightmare, I cry out, “I want to go home! I want to go back to Minnesota!” Thankfully, I don’t suffer that dream often, but when it happens I wake up in a great relief that I’m not trapped in Philadelphia anymore… that it was all just a bad dream.

Change is scary and it’s difficult. However, I believe that in order for me to find true happiness in life, change is inevitable. Or it should be.

Thanks for reading my very long post! And here a good song and video that I think is a perfect visualization of how people may be dancing on the outside, but battling with inner demons on the inside: San Holo – They Just Haven’t Seen It.

Have a good week, everyone! And be excellent to each other! ^_^

-D

Let Me Be Clear…

Picture: Anime best friends.I am a rambler. You may have noticed by my 1000+ word posts on my blog but, trust me, it’s a lot worse in person! That is, under the right circumstances, as when I first meet people or don’t know a person well enough yet to become comfortable around them socially I’m very quiet and don’t say much. However, when I know a person and feel comfortable around them, they’re subjected to my endless chatter that can last for hours, without a real pause. Oops. ;^_^>

I have a flaw of failing to keep an idea or expression “sweet and to the point”, which is really a trait of the storyteller within me, and it’s useful for writing blogs or 90,000+ word novels.  I believe that it will serve me well in writing research papers in my academic future. However, in the social arena, this flaw can become a lot cumbersome.

For example, most people can simply explain, “Ms. Winchester put the tea kettle in the kitchen sink.” when describing that event and be done with it. I, on the other hand, will go into detail of what Ms. Winchester was wearing, the color and style of her hair, the pattern of the tea-set, the distinct sound the kettle made when it was rested on the bottom of the metal basin, and many more tiny details like that.

I admire people who can just express themselves in one or two sentences, instead of a long winded stories! It seems very practical in modern communications, in texts or tweets, to have such a skill in saying much with less. I love Twitter, but I often feel a lot frustrated with the 240 character limit, because I am struggling to learn the art of micro-communication. It’s difficult for a person as long winded and detail orientated such as myself, to say the least.

I often struggle to spit out my overall point to any view, thought, or opinion. I subject my readers and listeners to metaphors and anecdotes, before getting on with it. If this is annoying to you, I do apologize. However, if you find my ramblings enjoyable, then.. yeah, I meant to do it! ^_^v

Speaking of which, I should move on to my overall point of this post now…

Picture: Kyo Sohma with cats.For most of my life, I’ve been a doormat to other people’s whims, wants, and needs, while having to deal with my own wants and needs in life by myself. It’s a mystery to me why people seem compelled to use me as a dumping ground for their problems, life dramas, and frustrations. I am very empathetic to others, however that does not mean that I care ALL of the time about every little thing and hiccup in another’s life. I am not a suitable therapist for anyone, as I must see a therapist for my own life issues and hiccups. I’m really not qualified to solve others personal issues!

And yet, people have ignored my disclaimers and decided to dump their emotional baggage on me willy-nilly. The problem is (I theorize), that I am rambler. When I was getting hurt in social communications, feeling a lot burdened and sometimes personally insulted, I responded in a way that was much too passive and long winded.

As a slight metaphor, I would respond in long winded replies such as this: “Dear, sirs. I must insist that you consider not standing on my toes at this very moment…”. And this would be followed by several paragraphs explaining how much their behavior was hurting and bruising my toes, how I wish to remain in communication with them but ask that they not speak to me so closely, and setting the boundary of standing arm-length away from me while having conversation

I am never sure if people ever bothered to read the whole response, just skimming down to the part that says “I look forward to having more conversations with you in the future. Respectfully, Dani.”, then deciding that there isn’t a problem at all. Or perhaps, they did read the whole letter and scoffed, “Whatever. I’m going to continue to stand on her toes. What’s she going to do about it? Write another long winded letter at me?” u_u

However, after many years of people ignoring my boundaries and not understanding that they are hurting me, I grew a lot tired of it. Perhaps it’s because I’m getting older or I’ve been gaining a real sense of self-esteem through my therapy (or perhaps the combination of the two), I have gained an ability of self-preservation. My pattern of begging others to respect my boundaries in long winded online messages or in face-to-face conversation has evolved.

I will start with the long winded approach at the first or second attempt, but quickly my new-found temper will arise. I’ve learned the “art” of cursing people the f#%k out now, which is not rambling nor passive. It’s very aggressive, short and to the point, and people seem to understand it a lot better. I rather not communicate in such an unrefined and less creative way, however I can’t argue with the results!

Picture: Anime guy shouting.People who would choose to keep dumping their emotional baggage, insults, and drama on me, while ignoring my pleas that it’s hurting me, DO back off and give me a wide berth after I’ve told them what they can do, with whom or what, and how. And it’s what I wished for in the first place, for these difficult types to LEAVE ME ALONE! I can’t help but to feel giddy and happy with those results, however, I am still trying to find a more peaceful way to handle conflicts and difficult people. Swearing and physical fighting is not a graceful way of solving ones problems. However… my god, it is so much fun and satisfying!!! Hee-hee! ^o^/

It’s not a perfect lesson, but I learned that if I want to be treated with respect and like a human being in this world, I must stand up for myself and be a little aggressive, a little selfish at times, and swear like a Irishman! Sometimes, people are reasonable enough to take the hint with a polite and long winded note to stop, which is why I still give it a chance once or twice (at the most). Those are usually reasonable people who don’t mean any harm and they back off once alerted that they’re standing on my toes.

However, for those who are selfish, thoughtless, aggressively disrespecting my boundaries, and dismissing my comfort altogether… Well… In order to spare any children or to avoid offending the sensibilities of a few adults who may be reading this, I will share the perfect song for you. It’s a cute little Irish ditty called: Chicken Song. And please take what the chicken says to heart, as that is my message to you! …Politely, of course. ^w^

And, for my wonderful loyal readers, if you’re not sensitive to swears and never heard of this song before, check it out anyway. It’s hilarious! Don’t take what the chicken says to heart, because I don’t mean it towards you. LOL!

As always, thanks for reading my rambles! I wish everyone a really good day. ^_^v

-D

Life’s Little Updates!

Picture: anime girl typing.Welcome to my one hundredth post, since the start of this little humble blog of random rambles in June 2014! I began this blog as a ranting ground surrounding my eye disorder, a day after I was given the crushing diagnosis of Keratoconus. It was to serve as a means of sorting out my complicated thoughts and cheering myself up.

What I didn’t expect was that I’d actually get readers, comments, or likes, which was a great surprise. Thanks to everyone who are interested in my little scribbles and have followed my blog thus far, I do appreciate it much! So, to celebtate this milestone, I’ll do what I always do and share yet another post of rambles. ^o^v

Sometimes, I get a new follower who “like” or comment on an old post of mine, and I stop to read what I had written in the past. Most of the time, I find myself cringing at some minor viewpoint within that old post, as it’s highly invalid to my current views.

For example, I had once wrote a post praising Facebook and deeming Twitter as boring (My Crush On AmazingPhil) in 2014. Although my crush for Phil is still alive (I’ve worn out my Dan and Phil t-shirt!), my disdain for Twitter has disappeared ages ago.

I have long abandoned my Facebook account and often update my Twitter (@NerdyGrlDani) with videos and science podcasts, comedy, or music. I enjoy tweet updates from my favorite YouTubers, scientists (Including Neil deGrasse Tyson and Bill Nye), and organizations like NASA and SpaceX.

In fact, I can’t remember why I thought Facebook was “all that” in the first place and I can’t imagine not having my Twitter account.

That’s just a tiny change, but I am no stranger to changing my entire viewpoint completely on bigger issues, especially after finding new data or having new experiences on the subject. My views are always subjective and may change wildly over the years.

There are some fundamentals that will always stay the same, because I am a very stubborn sort, but for the most part any idea I may express one year may change or become outdated the next.

For example, I started off my rant about my eye troubles (Much Ado About Eyes) in 2014, praising CXL, However, after researching more data, I’m certain that it’s NOT a good option at all and Intacs are better. Of course, I won’t be able to make a final conclusion until after my surgery, which I’m hoping will be sometime before the end of this year. ^_-

Picture: anime academic.In one post (Religious Debates: Can We Not?), I had claimed to be a proud Pagan, but lately I am more Agnostic than anything else. Not to be confused with Atheism, please! My viewpoint is there may be a “god” or designer of the universe, but there may not be just as well. Science nor religion have conclusive evidence to support the existence or non-existence of god, either way. Until there is proof and hard evidence, I choose to stay neutral.

Although I’ve enjoyed my Pagan religion for many years (and I still have a deep respect for it), I haven’t really been following the traditions or holidays for a few years now. So, I’ve decided to jump off the wagon and I’m content with being Agnostic.

I’m sure there are many old posts that I could nag the minor details about, but I’m trying to make a point, which is this… I’ve demonstrated to myself (via these scribbles) that it’s okay and HEALTHY for people to grow and change in their overall opinions and beliefs.

I’ve done it and nothing bad happened to me, no strike of lightning, only the opposite. I feel more secure in my self-esteem, more calm in my life, and contented. The world didn’t end, when I had tried out new ideas or changed my mind about something after gaining new and accurate data.

Picture: anime clones.I’m making this point because, unfortunately, society is stuck in a loop of “Walk this way, talk this way, think this way!” type of living. I am a bit disturbed when I find people unwilling to update their views, even if the new data is overwhelmingly clear that the old view was completely wrong or mistaken on a particular point. For example, Pluto is NOT a planet… get over it and move on. We were mistaken, scientists were mistaken, yet it’s not the end of life on this planet as we know it.

I always choose to update my views, when credible and extensive evidence is presented to me OR I stumble across such evidence on my own.  I’m never too proud to admit that I was wrong about something and I prefer to be educated on facts, not feels.

Then again, that’s just me. but I haven’t seen this argument spoken enough, so I’ve decided to mention it in my blog. This post will be read in the future by me, for further analyses, I’m sure. Hello, future Dani… hmm, is that what people are wearing now? Okay! ^o^v

I love that my blog is a constant time capsule of my thoughts, feeling, attitudes, ideas, rants, rambles, and so on of a particular moment within my past. I don’t mind that I cringe at a few details or scoff at some over-the-top silliness that I had written.

That’s why I don’t take down posts or edit them (unless there’s a glaring grammatical error and it’s driving me crazy to leave it, so I may edit that bit). No, every one of my posts are a priceless record of me figuring out life for myself, making mistakes in some conclusions, and learning from them. I wish to keep this record of my growth forever, a reminder that I’m always moving forward.

Thanks for reading my rambles, as always! And here’s a hug from me, in the form of a song: We Won’t Be Alone. Have a good day, everyone. ^_^v

-D