Tag Archives: happiness

Life Is An Adventure!

Picture: Blue haired anime girl.Hello, my wonderful readers! ^o^/

Yes, I’m still very much alive and happy. For now, at least, before my country gets wiped off the map by a nuclear blast from Korea or Russia! Hooray!

I’m kidding. It’s just a joke. Maybe. Hopefully… o_o

Anyhoo, I realized that I haven’t left a post here for two whole months and I happen to have a rambling thought on my mind, so… Don’t worry, it’s not political but life stuff. ^_^

I’ve realized that people are a bit confused about my interests in life. I love to study physics with the wish of becoming a scientist someday. I love to write novels with the wish of becoming a great writer someday. I’m currently writing a script and coding for an app game, with excellent input from my best friend, and the wish of becoming a great video game developer someday.

And so people often wonder, “Which is it, Dani? Do you want to be a scientist, a writer, or a video game developer?” My honest answer is, “All of the above. Or just one. Or a combination of two. We shall see!” ^_^

Oh, please don’t be surprised if “music artist” (mixing dubstep) or “juggler” wind up in the list in the future. I shall explain my madness…

I’ve decided that I will honestly follow my interests in life and see how far they will take me. I’m highly driven in writing, video games, and science. These are the big three in my life. I’ve had a passion for them, ever since I was a little girl, and I have some talent in each.

I’ve decided that life is an adventure, it’s supposed to be lived and not spectated. I can’t cram myself into one little box or career goal at this point. So, I’m enjoying everything and trying my hand at new skills and experiences overall.

And this honestly makes me feel happy. I wake up every day with a sense of adventure of, “What project will I do next?” ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

So… that’s what I’ve been up to lately, living a “wild” adventure, working on many different projects, and enjoying every waking moment in writing, coding, and studying science.

I have one life lesson that I’ve learned thus far, that I will share with the rest of the class – It doesn’t matter what others may think about my odd choices in life. What matters more is that I’m happy, healthy, and content within my life. And I’m SO AM!

I shall never let anyone try to dictate to me how I should live my own life, what I should follow or not follow, what should be my focus or not. As long as I’m not harming anyone or myself, I will try out everything that comes across my path and make up my own mind of what gets to stay in my life or not stay.

And yes, I will make mistakes but they will be my own mistakes, not ones caused by following someone else’s script. I will discover my own ways and habits, to not be indoctrinated into other people’s ways or habits without question. And most of all, I will live the way I always wanted to live, as Dani.

I think this what growing up and being an adult is all about. ^_^

Anyway… here’s a health update – I’ve been cigarette free for seventy-four days and counting! Huzzah! ^o^/

Picture: blue haired goth girl.

Alright, now I shall bugger off and get back to my scripts and science educations. Today’s song is: OMFG – Pancakes. Be excellent to each other, my wonderful readers, and thanks for reading as always! ^_^v

-D

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New Perspectives For 2017!

Picture: Anime girl with stars and butterflies.It’s a new year and I want to share a bit about my goals, health, and perspectives for 2017. I’m very happy with my life at this moment in time, however, there’s always room for more improvements and many other projects to try! ^o^/

First, let me update a bit about my issue with Keratoconus. I had stayed silent about it for months, mainly because people were confusing this blog’s main purpose to be a support group for those with the eye disease. It is NOT, it is my personal blog about my quest for achieving happiness in my life, in spite of having the eye disease. The main reason why I write this blog is to blabber about my goal in finding happiness and not linger too much on the hardships of living with Keratoconus.

OR some readers were using my personal story as the “cure” for their own disease, which disturbed me greatly because every case is different! What worked for me may not work for you. Again, I don’t want readers to take in my positive results and then storm the offices of their nearest ophthalmologist demanding a corneal transplant! It’s a highly invasive procedure and is performed for very severe stages of the disease, which was my case in early 2016.

I highly recommend that a person suffering from the disease seek out a direct specialist in the disease. Not all ophthalmologists are specialists or hold knowledge about every option for treating Keratoconus.  So, by all means, DO ask your doctor directly in what he or she specializes in!

Your personal case with Keratoconus may be wholly different from mine, as there are different stages of the disease and there’s no such thing as one treatment to cure all. In fact, there isn’t a cure for Keratoconus at this point in time, these treatments and procedures are just a temporary fix, to grant a bit of eyesight to those who are greatly visually impaired until an actual cure can be found!

That said… My eye specialist/surgeon met with me at Mayo Clinic, we talked for a long while and weighed my options, and we decided together that corneal transplant for my left eye was my best bet above any other procedure. And the choice has been a complete success for my particular case! ^_^

Why just my left eye? Well, the procedure cost a bit over $25,000 USD and my health insurance barely agreed to pay for that, including the separate costs for post-op visits to Mayo. I am not a famous writer, scientist, or video game developer yet, so I’m unable to purchase a corneal transplant for my right eye on my own. However, I’m greatly appreciative of my left eye, and I’m not complaining one bit!

Three times so far, I’ve had to upgrade the prescription of my glasses, because my eye has improved constantly over the months. I was afraid, each time, that the transplant no longer worked for me as my vision became a lot blurred again, not to the point of what it once was but I feared that my vision was regressing.  Instead, my doctor discovered that my current eyeglass prescription was just too strong for my eye and I needed a lower prescription. Whew! ;^_^>

For this reason, Dr. Maguire has insisted that the stitches around my transplant shall remain in place for a few months yet, as removing them too soon may cause some issues. The stitches look like this and no it’s not a photo of my actual eye – I’m too shy! Eye Stitches. I don’t feel them and they don’t bother me, so I don’t have a problem with waiting to have them removed.

I have another appointment to Mayo sometime this month, perhaps the stitches will be removed then or maybe I’ll gain yet another new eyeglass prescription. It’s a little annoying, making the trips back and forth to the local mall for new eyeglasses, however, it’s so very awesome that my eye is still improving for the better post-surgery! In the meanwhile, I’ve caught myself working for an hour online, before I’ve realized that I haven’t put on my glasses yet that morning.

My eyesight in my left eye has so much improved that I feel like my eye disease is not a huge weight on my shoulders right now, which frees up a lot of room for me to focus (pun attended!) on other things within my life’s journey.

I’m currently studying the science of genetics and chemistry, which I find super interesting, as much as my love of physics. And recently, my friend mentioned his love for philosophy, so I’ve been enjoying Hank Green’s Crash Course – Philosophy and learning a lot more about the subject than I had before. I learned that my personal philosophical view is called “Rule Utilitarianism” and bananas are now called “Chom Choms”.

Picture: Crash Course Chom ChomsThe second part is a bit of an inside joke, for those following the course. ^w^

As for writing, I still dabble in novels. However,  I did download the Unity Engine, as I will try my hand at coding/writing more advanced video games beyond the RPG Maker scene. That is… if I can manage to pry myself away from The Sims 4 long enough to actually open the Unity program to see what’s what. Heehee!

Socially and mentally, I’m working on my issues in therapy, concerning difficulties in socializing with others, social anxiety, and PTSD. I did hit a spike of depression during November 2016 (It was a rough year for a lot of people…), but now the black dog has been settled again. I enjoyed my Christmas with my sister, roommate, and a new friend.

I am looking forward to this New Year, with so many new paths for me to travel and discover ahead of me. Here’s a song for you: “Shona” by Jake Chudnow. Thanks for reading, dear reader, as always! Happy New Year! ^o^/

-D

It’s Okay To Say Goodbye

Picture: Anime goodbye.2016 has been a very bizarre year, to say the least. So many good artists have passed on, some personal loved ones have died this year for others, and saying goodbye is never an easy thing for me to do. No matter if it’s the death of a loved one or the ending of what was once a close relationship.

In 2016, I’ve had to say goodbye to some toxic relationships. So, I wish to blog about it a little, for a little prosperity.

I did write a previous post about this subject before, The People I Will Meet, however, I feel compelled to update that I no longer view some people in my past as “roaches”. That was a tad harsh of 2014 Dani, but I kept the post as an honest expression of myself way back when. People do change and grow with time, learn from their mistakes, and continue forward. At least, I DO, after all. ;^_^>

In spite of that harsh criticism about my past abusers, the bulk of that post still rings true for me. I do wish for my time with others to last forever and ever, yet in life, such expectations are highly unreasonable. At some point, the party within any relationship is going to end, either by a death or two people simply growing apart from each other. It’s not such a grim fact to me anymore, I just accept it as a part of Life.

To quote a beloved Minnesotan, “Life is just a party and parties weren’t meant to last.” – Prince Rogers Nelson.

Over this last year, I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching about those in my past, those within my present, and those from my past who are within my current present. I began to reconcile with the positive experiences that I did share with everyone, the moments where they taught me something important, and the moments where they made me smile and feel safe.

I didn’t allow myself to just rest on the “good bits” but to remember why the relationships had ended or currently ended in the first place. I was able to keep the fond memories that I had shared with them, yet not fall into a trap of missing them or wishing that they would return back into my life. A lot of these individuals are a lot sick and are not good for me. I’m pretty sure that they’re not good for anyone, at this point, not even themselves.

Picture: anime girl releases birds from a cage.

Yet, I have somehow freed my heart of any bitterness I held for the shadows within my past. I am able to move on, the memory of my past abusers are slowly fading from me, and I feel renewed in my life. I guess this is what true forgiveness is all about. It doesn’t mean that I have to ever trust that person or allow them back into my life, not at all, it means that I am making a conscious choice to not let the pain of the past linger nor control me any longer.

I took it a step further and extended it to past friendships that were good for a very long time until we grew apart. The friendships often ended over something silly, like the other person couldn’t handle the fact that I’m not strictly heterosexual or they hated my chosen religion at the time (Pagan). So, they called it quits and told me to take a hike! I felt so much hurt over those situations and harbored such bitterness against them, that I use to deny every good memory I had shared with them. I don’t do that anymore, I will openly speak about the good experiences in past friendships now, even though the friendships have long ended over stupid reasons.

I remembered my old stance that some people aren’t meant to stay in my life forever, or even for a very long time. It would be nice if a friend would remain a friend from high-school until we’re both old and gray, only ending when one of us dies of natural causes, but it’s highly unreasonable for me to expect such a special and rare friendship with every person I cross paths with.

As it is, I’m young and haven’t met that many people in my life (really, a few hundred people aren’t that many! ^w^), so I have time to meet more people and start new relationships. The world hasn’t run out of people yet! I’ve come to the strong realization that some people are meant to come into my life for a little while, then flutter off. And vice versa, I may stumble into someone life, but there’s a good chance that I shall flutter off later on. And that’s okay! ^_^

I’ve had to say goodbye to a few friendships earlier this year and it’s not because of death or illness, thank goodness. Nor was it over anything trite like politics, my sexual orientation, or my current state of religious belief (I’m wholly Agnostic, these days!). It was because the relationships became a lot selfish, thoughtless, and disruptive to my overall well being or life. I understand that the persons involved are not mentally well and refuses (for one reason or another) to seek professional help for their illnesses. I’m not saying that they are a bad people, they’re not at all. However, they’re too sick right now to respect my boundaries or to care about anyone else besides themselves. In order to keep myself safe and healthy, I was forced to say goodbye to them.

I did feel hurt when I had a very major corneal surgery in February of this year, yet none of them seemed to care to give encouragement nor well wishes. Not even on Facebook. Which would have been fine, but two days directly after my surgery, they saw it fit to contact me and dump their dramas at my feet. Even when I had explained that I was trying to recover from the surgery, that I wasn’t up for such drama, they refused to acknowledge my surgery or to agree that I needed time to heal and couldn’t play “therapist” to them.

I don’t wish to play therapist for anyone, not at all. It’s not fun, I’m not qualified, and I must see a therapist for my issues because this forced role is not a two-way street. In other words, I’m never allowed to dump my issues on them, as they’re suddenly “too busy” or quickly change the subject back to their issues. Even when it’s something as important as venting my fears concerning a surgery to restore my eyesight, they couldn’t be bothered with it. Not only did it happened with the eye surgery, but it was a repeat of this attitude for the two other surgeries I went through this year.

And I do understand, perhaps they’re too caught up in their own illnesses that they can’t be a friend to anyone and can only selfishly care about themselves. However, it’s not okay for them to have the expectation that I should sacrifice my sleep, my recovery time, my peace of mind, and spend time out of my life to cater to their issues. It’s unfair and highly unreasonable!

Picture: Fruits Basket - Tohtu, Momiji, and Haru.I’m not bitter nor spiteful against these people because I was not alone with such huge transitions within my life, I wasn’t completely abandoned in my time of need.

My therapist very much worried and expressed a lot of good luck to me. She even offered to pray for my surgery going well, then she winced, “Wait… is that weird to offer?” I gave her a bewildered glance and nodded slowly, “Yes… it’s a little bit weird.”, as I am agnostic. She then smirked, “Well, I want to try everything, to make sure your surgery is a success! It couldn’t hurt!” And we both chuckled. Weird or not, her gesture was very much heartwarming and appreciated!

With my eye surgery, my roommate was the one to take days off from work, in order to ensure that I make it to every pre-op appointment, the surgery, and post-op appointments. And she was the one with the mad skills to drive us through the blizzard, on the day of my surgery. She got us there and back home alive! I’ll always be thankful for her kindness and bravery!

My hairstylist hugged me and wished me all the best, after doing my hair so expertly, a few days before my operation. She was worried but was very hopeful that everything would work out for me. And three internet pals wished me luck, either on my blog itself or in private messenger on Twitter. My new friend, Allan, kept me company in messages during my three-day stay in the hospital after my myomectomy. I am thankful!

Most importantly, my sister was by my side during the whole experience, up until they wheeled me away to the operating room, all three times. For every appointment and surgery, she was there to help me through the crowds, to speak with the doctors (when I was too afraid to do so), and she was sitting by my bed when I woke up after the surgeries. She even bought me two stuffed animals from the gift shop, which I wasn’t expecting at all, but dearly cherish. I do have the best sister in the world! I’ll fight anyone on that! =p

Even my oldest brother, whom I haven’t chatted with for years, made a call to me on the day that I returned home from my eye surgery. He wanted to know how I was feeling and, although I was a bit loopy on painkillers, I assured him that everything was fine and it seemed that the surgery was a success. We discussed the medications (eye drops – Prednisolone) that I still have to take daily and he sounded relieved that I was okay.

That said… I was not alone during that time, I had a community of people who cared about me. And I care for everyone in return! I may not have had any “best friends” at this point in my life, but I was not alone. So, I can’t bring myself to hate the people that I had to say farewell to this year because they’re not bad people. They’re just sick and very selfish right now.

I will not continue to be hurt by their thoughtless actions nor to accept their pushy attitudes that I MUST listen to their dramas, with an additional emotional blackmail that they won’t speak to me unless I do what they want from me. I no longer accept the script of putting my emotions, my health, and my well-being second in order to hold onto people or to claim that I have friendships. So, it was time for us to say our goodbyes.

I do wish them all the best and if we should never meet again much later in life, that’s okay too. I’ll always keep the good memories that I’ve shared with them and appreciate the great lessons they’ve taught me in the past. However, if they’re looking for things to remain the same toxic set-up of before, it’s best that they should sod off and never return! Life is just too short for anything less than happiness. And, “ain’t nobody got time for that“! Heehee!

This year was one of healing and rebirth for me, I think. And this haunting tune comes to mind because I’m such a nerd: Doctor Who – Doomsday Theme. Goodbye, Rose. ^w^

Thanks for reading, as always. And I wish everyone a Happy New Year! Be safe! ^_-

-D

I’m Growing Up

Picture: anime girl with birthday cake.In a few weeks, I will turn age thirty-six on my birthday. ^_^

I’m getting older in binary code, just four more years left until I’ve reached the age of 40! I have been growing up a bit lately, becoming more of a responsible and independent adult within my life.

No. I haven’t ended my love for anime. No, I haven’t stopped listening to dubstep. No, I haven’t given up video games or Pixar movies! Hey, these things will stay with me well after I’m old and gray! SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE! >_<

What has changed is that I care about my health these days. I’ve stopped treating my body with a blatant disregard as I have done so in my twenties and younger years. I’ve been through three surgeries in the past two years; an emergency appendectomy, an eye surgery (keratoplasty), and one myomectomy. Surely, everything is alright and set within my body for a long while, and I will not need any more surgeries any time soon. I hope. o_o

Before every surgery, I was asked if I had a “living will” while the surgeons simultaneously assured me that everything will be okay and I didn’t have to worry about dying on the operating table… but… just in case, did I have a will? I did not.

After my myomectomy, I decided that I would sit down with the forms and fill out a living will. It was several pages long and a very daunting task, as it asked very tough questions concerning when it would be okay for doctors to stop performing resuscitation, what mental or physical state would I have to be in when I would want a loved one to “pull the plug” on my life support, etc. It was a bit morbid to fill out these forms, to say the least, but I learned something very profound about myself.

Picture: girl with flower.I have learned that I have a very strong will to live, as the only situations that I would agree to the end of my life support is if I have suffered brain death or if I’m so far gone that I’m not aware of who I am nor aware of anyone else in the room with me, with no chance of recovering from that. In order words, trapped unaware within my own dying brain is a good reason to pull my life support, I believe.

Other than that, I very much want to live, even if I lose limbs, can no longer write or do the hobbies I enjoy anymore, and can only communicate like Stephen Hawking with a special machine in a chair for the rest of my life. I don’t care! As long as I can keep communicating while being aware of myself and those I care about, I can always gain new hobbies in life. I know it may not be easy and there could be a bit (or a lot) of pain involved, but I will go through it and face it, as long as I keep living for just a few more days longer.

And this is a very profound thing that I’ve learned about myself, because in my twenties, I didn’t care to live at all. I tried to take my own life constantly and when I wasn’t doing that I treated my own wellbeing and safety as very unimportant objects. I’m a bit in awe that I am looking forward to age forty and beyond. Whereas in my early twenties, I had believed that I wouldn’t see the day of reaching age thirty.

Anyway, I have been looking after my health for the past three years now. When I first moved to Minnesota, it started with a diet change; less salt, less carbonated sugars (less soda and more natural fruit juices and water), less takeout or fast-food meals and more home cooked meals, and more fresh vegetables. This has greatly improved my blood pressure stats to normal and I get great reports back on my heart as well.

I began to work on my mental health and stress levels. I don’t allow toxic people within my life anymore. I had to say goodbye to a few toxic people last year, but more on that topic some other post. I have a list of activities and things to do in order to de-stress, which I wrote up with my therapist during a session. I make sure to show up for all of my therapy appointments and to work hard on my homework assignments.

I do go to regular medical check-ups, blood work is done and so on, and I follow the doctor’s advice. I do get my flu shot every year. I try to exercise a bit, not just sit in front of my laptop all day (which is highly tempting to do!), so I do go out for walks every now and then.

Picture: anime girl in front of laptop with cat.I try to make sure I get enough sleep, at least eight hours, but sometimes I do slip up and stay up all night when I’m working on some project or other. Oops. I’m still improving that habit. ;^_^>

Lastly, it’s been 13 days, 16 hours, 34 minutes, and 50 seconds since I’ve last smoked a cigarette. How do I feel? Well… like I want to rip the head off of a wild boar!!! However, besides my nagging cravings, I guess I’m doing alright. Perhaps. Yeah. *twitch* >_e

I believe that caring for my well-being and health is a part of what it means to grow up, even just a little. Overall, I am doing very well these days. The better I physically feel, the better I feel mentally and spiritually.

Anyway, I shall end this long post here, with a song: Until The End (feat. Q’AILA). Thanks for reading and I wish everyone an awesome November! ^_^v

-D

Living With Mental Illness

Picture: anime girl with aqua hair.Today, I would like to write a post, clarifying a bit about my life with mental illness. I’ve alluded about my struggles with anxiety, PTSD, and past struggles with depression in several of my posts, however, I realize I haven’t yet discussed it head-on. That is kind of strange that I haven’t done so yet, on a blog about my quest for happiness. Hmm… o_O

Mental illness is often stigmatized in society and I did grow up hearing the popular criticism that people with mental illness are “crazy”. It was a very common judgment from my relatives and community. So, when my issues started at the age of six years old, the first emotions I felt was denial and shame. I tried to pretend that there was nothing wrong with me and I tried to keep an appearance that I was “normal”.

My issue started as social anxiety at the age of six, during the time that I was enrolled in the local Elementary school. My parents kept me very sheltered and away from peers, so I was terrified of being around other children for the first time. It didn’t help that I had a sadistic father who thought it was amusing to whisper to me that the other children were going to hate me because I was so stupid and lame.

I’ve always been a nerd, even as a child, so I was excited to go to school because I LOVE learning. However, my father’s cruel joke messed with my head considerably, and every time a fellow classmate made fun of me or a clique shunned me, it served as a confirmation that what he had said to me was the “truth”.

During all of my school days, from age six to eighteen, I pretty much withdrew away from my peers and was much bullied for being “odd” or different, as I was usually the only nerdy kid in the class that always followed the rules and loved to do homework and other learning projects. Yes, I was very much the Hermione Granger character in school, minus having cool pals like Harry and Ron. In fact, I didn’t have any friends, apart from a few cats at home.

By the age of twelve, the lack of friendships and increased bullying is what caused my first bout of severe depression. Not to mention, that was the age that I had first discovered I am bisexual, which only added more anxiety and shame on top of what I had already carried. By the age of sixteen, I was convinced that I was a mistake to the world and the only way to remedy it was by killing myself. This lead to many unsuccessful suicidal attempts and five hospitalization stays at local in-patient mental health facilities.

I was alone, felt very ashamed, and hated myself more than anyone else could ever do so.

At age 21, something terrible happened to me, where I nearly lost my life. I will not share those details, it’s private information only for my therapist and relatives to know about it. Thus began my struggle with PTSD. It wasn’t until I was age 25 when I decided to reach out for help, to stop trying to pretend that I could handle my issues on my own, and to face my fears head-on.

It was terrifying for me to show up at the local clinic for outpatient treatment the first time. It was a lot nerve-wracking to sit in the waiting room with other patients, as most were there for medical appointments. I kept worrying that everyone could tell that I was the “crazy” one in the room, that at any moment I would be criticized for trying to seek help.

I grew up in an environment that often taught that asking for help is a sign of weakness, not a strength at all, and I still struggle to ask others for help even at the age of 35. I try so hard to handle every situation or task on my own, which can be a great trait sometimes, but often times it can be a huge burden. And my mental health issues are very serious, I couldn’t handle it on my own, no matter how much I had tried to. It even stings a little for me to admit it now, in this very post. However, it’s the truth. ;^_^>

Picture: cute anime girl with pill.In my first years of therapy in Philadelphia, I was prescribed a few anti-depressants, some helped a little and others just made my situation worse. It took trial and error to find the correct medication for me, which was a low dose of Lexapro. I stayed on the medication for a year, but after some time in therapy treatment, I didn’t need to take it anymore.

After two years, my therapist was transferred to another clinic (one that my insurance did not cover), so I was forced to have a new one. And the new therapist was terrible and unprofessional, she would make fun of how I dressed in sessions and things like that. After two weeks of getting nowhere and walking away from my sessions feeling like crap, I decided to quit therapy and go back to handling my issues on my own.

I had managed to keep myself stable for five years, but then the depression returned. It started small, but by 2012, I began to entertain the idea of suicide once again. However, I caught myself and decided that my environment was wholly unhealthy for me. I lived with drug addicts and criminals, I barely ate nor took care of my own hygiene, my health and eyesight were fading fast. At that point, I decided that I will not keep up the charade of staying in that environment and pretending that everything was okay.

My sister and her best friend (our roommate) were so kind enough to allow me to live with them in Minnesota. It took four months for me to save up enough money for the move, but I was determined to live, to not sink back into depression and suicidal attempts. It’s wasn’t a perfect escape, as I had to leave my cat behind for a while, but it was an escape to a better life for me all the same. ^_^

After I had settled in a bit, I asked my medical doctor for a referral to a good therapist. My doctor pointed me to the best therapist ever (Dr. Brenda) and I’ve been managing my mental illness well with Dr. Brenda’s help. I’m not taking any medication because I don’t need it for my particular case, our sessions are a mix of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and learning much needed social skills. I haven’t had a suicidal thought since 2012 and my depression is very mild currently.

Most days, I’m happy and contented! And on my black dog days, I know just what to do! One of the things I do is to visit and read my posts here on this blog, to remind myself how far I’ve traveled in life thus far and I fight the lies of the dog, “You’ve never had a happy day in your life and you never will. You’re better off dead!”. Bad dog! That’s not true, you mutt! Where’s my rolled up newspaper? *thwack* >_>

Beyond my rambling, I really want to make a very important speech here, about mental illness. People who suffer it shouldn’t feel ashamed for it, nor does having mental illness means that you are “crazy”. Nor should you feel bad for taking medication (if it’s needed), any more than a cancer patient should feel bad for taking chemo. It’s important for you to do what is best to protect yourself from succumbing to your illness and to have the best quality of life, not to suffer in silence in order to keep up a social facade. And that social farce, in the end of all things, means nothing and is useless anyway.

You deserve to be happy. You deserve the best of what life has to offer. It’s okay to ask for and accept help for this issue. And most of all, I promise you, everything is going to be OKAY. You will get through this and experience true happiness on the other side. There are so many awesome things waiting just for you! So, keep fighting the black dog, keep moving forward, and don’t worry about what everyone else may or may not think about it!

Yes, sometimes it’s a struggle. Sometimes it’s SUPER difficult and you may want to just give up. It’s okay to feel that sometimes, but don’t linger in that emotion for too long. Cry a little, then roll up your sleeves and continue to march on. You can do this, trust me! I’m cheering for you! ^o^/*

Picture: girl by the sea.

And that’s not just a message to others who are dealing with mental illness, it is a little note for myself as well. In spite of having mental illnesses, it’s TOTALLY possible to live a happy and “normal” life (whatever the hell that means! lol). It’s completely possible to manage it down to a tiny palm-size pup and to gain a very contented worthwhile life.

I’ve done so and I’m not “special” or lucky, nor popular, nor super attractive, nor rich, nor especially intelligent. My IQ score is average, folks! If I’ve managed to achieve it, I believe that it’s possible for anyone else to do so as well, as long as they believe it can happen for them AND if they have the best support circle (therapy, understanding friends or relatives, or a caring community) to show understanding and compassion to them along their journey.

I would love to see the day when mental illness is no longer a thing to hide or to feel ashamed about. I would love to see the day when comments of “KYS” (kill yourself) isn’t thrown around online so much as a way to insult others, as it could seriously hurt someone with severe depression or encourage a person further to take their own lives. I would love to see the day when society doesn’t make fun of “crazy” people or to scoff at people who need to take anti-depressant medication in order to function.

Most of all, I would love to see the day when people are able to have compassion for others without having to share the same experience in order to spare a little bit of understanding, respect, and kindness. Not just for mental illness, but for many other subjects in today’s society. This world would be a better place for everyone, when or if that happens, I think.

Anyway, thanks for reading yet another LONG post! Ha! And today’s song is: ECHOS – Gold. Be excellent to each other and I wish you all the best on your journeys! ^_^v

-D

An Unbreakable Bond

Picture: Chi the cat.This post is about my cat, Bubbles. Yes, it’s the internet so, of course, I have to share about my cat here! ^w^

I had no choice but to leave her behind in Philadelphia, three years ago, when I traveled a thousand miles away to a better life in Minnesota. It was a heartbreaking decision for me to make, as I love my cat so much! However, if I had chosen to stay with her it was more likely than not that I would have died in that place in Philly long ago. Then her fate would have rested on the local animal shelter that often euthanize animals after two weeks of non-adoption. My mother took care of her, the best that she could, in the years apart.

The entire time I was in Minnesota, I missed Bubbles like crazy, I often had dreams about her. However, it would take a while for me to settle into my new home and save enough money to transport her to me. The spring of this year, 2016, it finally happened! Bubbles have been with me in Minnesota for a few months now and she’s a very happy kitty for it. She purrs all of the time and is my shadow, never too far from me and follows me from room to room in the house.

As I’m writing this post, she’s sitting next to my laptop with a continuous pepper-mill purr. (ㅇㅅㅇ) <– “Meow!”, kitty emote.

The cat and I seem to have a very strong bond with each other, I would go as far as to claim that it’s an unbreakable one. The truth is, I had helped to birth and save her life when she first came into this world. This story is a bit gross and a little detailed, so you may skip the next paragraph! ;^_^>

Gross Bit: When kittens are born, they are encased inside a mucus sack, which the mother cat chews through and release the kitten for their first breath of life. Bubbles’ mother was uninterested in this process and left the tiny kitten to struggle for oxygen within this sack. Twenty-one year old Dani had panicked, grabbed a non-sterilized plastic fork, punctured the sack, then ripped Bubbles free for her first breaths. I repeated the process for her four siblings as well.

Not Gross Bit: Bubbles’ head was a lot misshapen, compared to her siblings, and her eyes were a lot too big for her tiny face. I doubted that she was going to survive, as I noted her “bubbly eyes”, hence the name choice for her. I tried my best to not get attached to this kitten with the strange eyes… but it was no use. Bubbles and I were best friends from that moment on.

Fast forward fourteen years later: I was nervous about seeing Bubbles again in Minnesota because we had been apart for almost three years. I had lost a considerable amount of weight than when she last saw me, my hair was different, my clothing too, and most of all I wasn’t morbidly depressed as she once knew me to be. I worried that she wouldn’t recognize me anymore, that I would be a stranger to her.

Picture: Powerpuff Girls - Bubbles with cat.I was beyond excited to see her again, of course, but I felt a little anxious too. My sister bought the carrier to my room, after a guy named Todd had transported the cat across the country to our front door (for the hefty fee of $500), and she left me and the cat in the room for a moment. I approached the carrier, opened the cage door, and cooed, “Bubbles… it’s me. Do you remember me?” She recognized me right away and instantly hopped into my lap purring wildly. It was such a relief!

I hugged her and apologized, “I’m so sorry for ever leaving you. And I’m so glad that you’re here! You’re really here!” For a week, it almost felt like an impossible dream, that it wasn’t real somehow. I was so very happy to wake up late nights with Bubbles sleeping next to me and to sleep every afternoon to find Bubbles cuddling next to me. I will NEVER leave her again! No, no, no, no!

Bubbles was given a new kitty dish, a new camo-print collar and tag, a few toy mice (one with catnip), a new litter box (which I clean every week), and a trip to the local vet to get all of her shots updated and to remove her rotten teeth. Since she is an older cat, her teeth had become so very rotten, all except for one canine which she still has. It hurts my heart that she was suffering for a few years after my absence, unable to eat her food properly, which lead to a massive weight loss. She arrived in Minnesota with a bleeding mouth, many of her teeth had broken off and was just bleeding roots, and very much underweight from her struggles to eat. The local vet in Minnesota was very sympathetic for Bubble’s situation and decided he would come into work on his day off to fix her issue, for a very fair price.

As of now, Bubbles is very well taken care of, she gained back her healthy weight, and has adjusted to her new life a bit faster and better than I did when I first moved to Minnesota.

I didn’t worry too much about her getting along with the two pups belonging to my sister and roommate, a dachshund/chihuahua mixed named Apollo and a Shih Tzu named Fierro (Fifi, for short). Bubbles have lived with small dogs before, so she cautiously observed the pups, before deciding that they were cool enough for her entourage. She enjoys running around the house with Apollo and she use to enjoy having naps next to Fifi.

Sadly, a month after Bubbles arrived, Fifi passed away from complications in his elderly years. Fifi was sick for a very long time, with an enlarged heart, but he was happy with us all the same. He enjoyed cuddling with Bubbles and vice versa. May he continue to rest in peace. Fifi, you are still missed. u_u

I do enjoy having my best friend with me again. She can be a pain in the butt sometimes, figuratively and literally… as she does enjoy sitting on my backside, as I rest across my bed and write or blog with my laptop in front of me. And sometimes she gets a little zealous and will unleash her claws. Ow, ow, ow! Stop it, Bubbles!!! >_<

However, I have no regrets and every moment I get to spend with her is priceless.

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Bubbles in front of my laptop.

Today’s song is: Voia – Almost Human. Thanks for reading, as always! ^_^v

-D

Surgery And Writer’s Block

Picture: Cowboy Bebop - Radical Edward Smile.Hey there, readers! ^_^

I know it’s been a long while since my last post, so I wanted to explain a bit about what’s happening currently in my life. Just so no one thinks that I’m dead or abandoning this blog! =p

On Friday, August 19th, I went in for surgery to remove fibroid tumors from my abdomen. Don’t worry, the tumors aren’t cancerous! Last year, these tumors were the size of a fist each, but then quickly grew a lot bigger over this year, which caused me a lot of terrible pain. It was just a smart idea to get them removed now, instead of allowing them to keep growing and suffering in unnecessary pain, until the inevitable emergency surgery to remove them anyway.

My surgeon removed several doorknobs sized tumors and one humongous tumor that was the size of a small basketball, weighing 3.3 pounds (or 1.4kg). To remove the larger tumor, a C-section type procedure was done (an incision 19 inches across my stomach) and I am still recovering from surgery, with a prescription of Percocet that I can’t wait to start weening off. I’m often “tripping balls” on this medication, as the kids would say, so I’d like nothing more to be rid of the pain meds and return back to my usual level of insanity, thank you. ^w^

So, that’s just one reason for my lack of blogging lately.

The other reason is, that I am suffering a bit of writer’s block at the moment. Not just for blogging, but I haven’t been able to continue a novel or another RPG Maker game these past few weeks. Writer’s block is nothing new to me, it does happen from time to time, and I’m not worried. I will continue to play video games, watch anime, chat with good friends, and go about my daily chores (or recovery from surgery) until something has knocked loose inside of my creative mind.

As for the fan RPG Maker game that I had created some many weeks back, for the YouTuber named Wade (aka: LordMinion777), my sister was awesome enough to signal-boost the game on her Tumblr account and Wade did notice and reblogged it. However, I wasn’t the only fan to come up with the idea of making a fan game for him that month, so Wade has promised to play every game in the order he has received them. He has finished one fan game and it’s sequel, so perhaps my game will be next? I don’t know. o_O

I’m not sure yet if I’ll write a whole new post here, linking directly to the videos of him playing my game or if I’ll simply update this post with a direct link later. To be continued…

Anyhoo, I’m just jazzed that my game was noticed at all and that the few fans who’ve played it have given me very positive reviews thus far. Yay! ^o^/

If you’re interested in checking out the game or learning more details on why I had created it, the Dropbox link and more blabber is located here: Writing Video Games: Pt 2!.

Picture: Hatsune Miku nurse.Back to the business of my health (sorry for flipping through topics like this! My mind is so muddled right now…), besides the fibroids and eye disease, I’m in pretty excellent shape! I don’t suffer from diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, heart disease, nor any other health issues. The removal of the tumors is hopefully my last health issue for a very long while. And I am highly motivated to quit smoking cigarettes as well.

Even though my lungs are also very healthy, in spite of the fact that I’ve been a smoker for over fourteen years, I am aware that I’m just playing a game of Russian Roulette and it’s only a matter of time before I’m told that I have a severe lung issue or lung cancer. In my quest for happiness, my health is very much a part of that. I have managed to go from a pack a day smoker to a four cigs per day smoker, which is good, but not exactly “quit” status.

After I am done removing the last few stress-inducing people from my life, I will consider the help of a Cessation Therapist. ^_^

In the meanwhile, I’ve been experiencing a lot of happiness in my life since spring of this year, just on-going awesome events after another. I love my town and Minnesotan lifestyle to bits! And I feel very inspired and hopeful for my future. I’m taking more healthier risks, I make reasonable and obtainable goals. I’ve found achievement and success in many of the goals I’ve set thus far. So, my journey is going very well and I’m honestly content with the direction I’m heading in.

Thanks for reading, as always! And I wish you all the best in your journeys! Have a wonderful weekend, everyone! ^_^/

-D

Oops! I almost forgot the song for today! Heehee! Please enjoy:  Rihanna – Sledgehammer. I was introduced to this song, at the local cinema, two weekends ago! The movie, Star Trek Beyond, is AWESOME and I do recommend it! ^_^v